vitamin c, setsubun, and all sorts of fun!

Monday February 7, 2011

So, I ended up calling in sick to work last week... Twice! That was a bummer. Luckily for me, I ended up having such a great end to my week that I hardly even remember spending the first four days of it in bed!

First of all, I just have to say how thankful I am for the amazing people that surround me. When I hobbled my way into the kitchen on Tuesday, my landlord tried talking with me but quickly discovered that I couldn't talk at all. When I made it back down the next night, she told me to wait for a moment and ran over to the refrigerator. Then, she pulled out a small plate and handed it to me saying, "Vitamin C, Vitamin C!" I looked at the plate to find two plump strawberries and a generous slice of fresh pineapple. Her kind eyes were shining with that selfless concern unique to mothers and my heart was overcome by her sweet gesture. What an inspiring woman.

When I was back at work on Thursday morning, I was surprised by how many people checked on me throughout the day just to make sure I was OK! Teachers offered to take over my classes, students stopped by in between class periods to ask how I was feeling, and the head of the English department told me that all my classes could be pushed back as much as I needed them to be! I didn't push back my classes, but I was touched by his genuine offer. Even my employer was pleasant with me when I had to call in sick! I couldn't believe it. I was wonderfully overwhelmed with graces and kindnesses.

Then, to make things even better, I got a call on Thursday morning from my dear friend Reina Tereshima. She is the mother of three precious children (Shoma, 13; Mei, 9; Kirumi, 1) and the Tereshimas have become my second-family in Japan. Apparently, Thursday was a holiday called Setsubun and Tereshima san wanted me to celebrate with her family! I probably “should” have graciously declined the invitation and gone home to rest, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wanted to see her family and I wanted to learn about and celebrate the holiday with them! As always, I had an amazing time with the family and, as always, I learned even more about this culture that I love. Holidays and special traditions are so much fun and most of my favorite experiences in Japan have been with this remarkable family.

Setsubun, the “bean-throwing festival,” is celebrated to symbolize the change from winter to spring. Finally! :-D It’s considered a second New Year’s Eve, in a way, because it’s celebrated to cleanse the evils from the former year and repel future evils for the coming year. To kick off the cleansing process, we faced south-southeast and ate an uncut sushi roll in silence. The long sushi roll is called eho-maki, which literally means “lucky direction roll.” Ha ha ha. I asked her what the significance was of eating in silence and why we faced that particular direction, but she wasn’t totally sure. She explained that the direction is determined by the year’s corresponding zodiac symbol and so it changes every Setsubun, but she wasn’t sure about the eating-in-silence part. As with all traditions, I’ve come to accept that some things have a distinct purpose while others are just done because, well, because that’s just they way they’ve always been done. I’m OK with that.

After we’d eaten our yummy and humongous sushi rolls, we each grabbed a bowl of peanuts and ran to every room in the house. We opened the doors and windows, shouted, “Oni wa soto!” (“Demons out!”), and then threw peanuts outside. Then we turned around, threw peanuts inside the house, and yelled, “Fuku wa uchii!” (“Luck in!”) We repeated this process in each room of the house, gathered up the peanuts that had been thrown inside, and then sat down together to crack open and eat the “good luck” peanuts.

Shoma, me, and Mei with our eho-maki!

After celebrating Setsubun, I spent the night eating a tenderly prepared meal (this was a challenge with my still-upset tummy but, again, of course I couldn’t refuse!), playing games with Kirumi, gabbing away with Tereshima san, looking though photos with Shoma, and helping Mei with her English homework. Have I mentioned yet how much I love this family? I didn’t get home until far past my intended bedtime, but it was worth every lost hour of sleep! I want to take them all home with me!

Beautiful Kirumi finishing up some chocolate cake! She's a girl after my own heart--lovin her sweets! :-)

Even though I didn’t get much sleep I felt SO much better on Friday morning! My voice was back, my cough was almost gone, and my throat felt much, much better. After school, I had a chocolate fondue party with the Language club and we talked and joked with each other until every last drop of chocolate was eaten up. I can’t get over how adorable these girls are that I get to teach and hang out with every day. Language club is fun for me, too, because I get to spend time with junior and senior girls that I otherwise wouldn't get to see very often!

During the get-together, some girls started talking excitedly about anime shows that they love and which characters they’d want to dress up as for fun. I made the hilarious mistake of asking the girls which character they thought I should be, thereby unintentionally launching the conversation of the night. They were so funny—discussing options, turning down characters for this reason or another, researching on their cell phones, and even drawing sketches of potential characters for me to “be.” They chattered incessantly for several minutes and were taking the task so seriously that I could not help but laugh and happily observe the process. After several minutes, I actually left the room, snagged my camera from my desk, and returned to find them still talking about it. I recorded a clip of the conversation and it makes me chuckle every time I see it.

In the end, they were never able to reach a final decision. Ha ha ha. They looked at me very seriously and told me not to worry, that they would have an answer for me soon. They promised me that they would find the character for me as soon as they could, but asked for “more time” to deliver their definite answer. I laughed and assured them that they didn’t need to think of character at all but they insisted so imploringly that I could only reply by telling them how honored I would be to receive their answer whenever they reached it. ha ha ha. Love them!

Making white chocolate and milk chocolate for our fondue party--mmm!

In other news, I made it back to the salon this weekend and tried for hair-experiment round #2! I couldn’t stand the awful bleach anymore and finally decided that the only way to fix all the different shades of blonde, brown, orange, and yellow in my hair would be to just darken everything. It's not quite what I was hoping for but...at least it isn’t orange! I didn’t feel like crying when I saw my reflection and although I think it has a strange greenish hue, it is not even close to being as bad as it was last time. Usually when I darken my hair, it takes a couple of weeks for the color to settle in anyway, so I’m reserving final judgment for now. ha ha. At least the bleach is GONE! I am much, much happier with round #2!

All in all, things are going as well as ever and I’m loving every single second. My health is so much better, work is fabulous, and my hair is...well, an improvement. ;-) I’m really busy right now with the end of the school year upon me, but I have some serious news to share shortly. I’m days away from my work contract being set in stone as to whether or not I stay to teach for another semester. I’ve been thinking about this for months and have, at different times, “decided” opposing options. However, I must deliver a contractually-binding answer very soon and I’d like to talk about that a bit... I haven’t written about it yet because I haven’t wanted to say anything until I knew FOR SURE what my answer would be. Well, I think I’ve reached that answer and what I have to say may surprise you... stay tuned!

happy birthday mom and casey!

Happy birthday to my momma and baby brother today! I LOVE YOU!

I feel like I’ve been running around at a million miles a minute for several months now and last week it started taking its toll on my immune system. I’ve been feeling the beginning stages of a cold for some time but have been trying to fight it off with extra vitamins and a raw determination not to get sick. Ha ha. Well, it worked for a while! Then, I started getting a scratchy throat and deep earaches last Wednesday and it’s steadily progressed until it hit me full force this weekend. My chronic sinus problems have flared up again and I have an intense head cold to complicate things. Ugh. I hate being sick! In all fairness though, I don’t think anyone particularly enjoys feeling as if your head’s been stuck in an ever-tightening vice or as though someone has clawed the inside of your throat. My voice has been deteriorating since last Thursday and as of Saturday night, I lost it entirely. Ha ha ha I still can’t make a sound above a scratchy whisper... !

Luckily for me, I didn’t have classes today and so I’ve spent a lot of time sitting down, drinking hot honey-water, and hunting for cold and sinus medicine. I can’t believe it, but I might actually call in sick in the morning, as well. This will be a first for me if I do and although I would like to optimistically declare my assurance that I’ll be in perfect order come morning, I’m guessing from my lack of progress so far that I won’t be going anywhere just yet. Also, tomorrow is the day I go to my special needs school and I’m particularly worried about their delicate health and even though I doubt anything I have is still contagious at this point, I don’t want to risk spreading anything to my students there.

On the plus side, I guess getting whacked in the head with a cold from hell has given me the perfect chance to sit down and update my blog... :-)

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and much of it has to do with the time I have left before the school year draws to a close... Now, if I can just form some thoughts coherently enough, maybe I can share them with you... I apologize in advance if this post ends up even more discombobulated than the rest!

Anyway, the Japanese school year is very different from the traditional school schedule in the States and so, here, the school year is almost over! Classes begin at the beginning of April and there are short breaks periodically throughout the year, but no equivalent to the Western “summer vacation.” Another difference from Western school that I was surprised to learn is that, at least at Miyagi First, seniors are pretty much done for the year by February. They have to take rigorous entrance examinations for college admission, but there aren’t actual classes for them. Already the girls come for morning class and then have the afternoons free to study for their exams every day—soon they will have no formal classes at all. Then, graduation is on March 1 and they are out of school entirely until college begins in the fall!

I’ve been helping several senior girls since last fall as they’ve been preparing for their entrance exams and it’s kept me pretty busy at work so far, but I really love it. I shared some of their essays on my blog a few months ago, but I just keep getting blown away by these girls and I absolutely love working with them one-on-one to improve their writing and speaking skills. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I have my prep periods and lunch periods all to myself again—when I don’t walk up to my desk to find another essay waiting for me to check! The essay subjects and student opinions contained therein have been vastly different from one another and I’ve read students’ personal views on birth order, racism, sexism, globalization, protecting the environment, the value and danger in cultural pride, and so much more. I’ve squealed excitedly with some students as they’ve gotten accepted into the colleges of their dreams and wiped away the tears of others as they’ve come to me with letters of denial. I’ve felt the joy of watching hard work pay off with some and felt the burning vengeance of a mother when I’ve seen other students get passed over because of dirty academic politics and unfair systems. I cannot express how badly I want these girls to succeed. They come to me with complete faith in my ability to help them and I feel the incredible weight of that faith—I don’t want to let them down just as much as they don’t want to let me down.

It is going to be so hard for me to say good-bye to these girls when they graduate!! Ack! I’m participating in the graduation ceremony to be held on March 1 and I’m really excited for it on one hand, but on the other hand, I’m dreading the day because I know it’ll be the last time I’ll ever see a lot of these girls. I can’t believe it’s only a month away! I’ve told them all that if they ever come to the States that they have a place to sleep in my home and I mean it. I’m awful at good-byes and the only way I handle them is by telling myself that they aren’t ever really permanent, so I’m just going to cling to the hope that someday each of these girls will have the chance to come visit me; then maybe some of you can meet them!! :-)

As far as my regular classes with the sophomores go, I’m almost done there, too! Since I teach an oral communication class that’s outside of the standard Japanese school curriculum, students don’t have the traditional finals for my course that they have for other subjects like history and science. Therefore, I will stop teaching by the beginning of March as well and my students will concentrate on preparing for their core exams. I’m almost done with the textbook and I have a few “special” lessons planned for February, but that’s about it. I’m going to have SO much spare time in March that I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself! Ha ha ha maybe I’ll actually maintain my blog regularly then...? Maybe...

Anyway, I just want to say how grateful I am for my job. I genuinely love my work...I love seeing my students’ faces every day and I am always seeking ways to be a better and more effective teacher. To be honest, I was really hesitant when I learned that I would be teaching high-school students. Teenagers? All day? Seriously? I vividly remember high school and although I had a blast as a student, I have no idea how all my teachers survived us. I think about all the spoiled, 16 year-old divas and the arrogant, punk boys trying to prove themselves and it sends my head spinning. I really think I lucked out to get the best students in the world. Of course I have class clowns and those that would rather pull out their own teeth than study English, but it’s been a great challenge for me to try to reach out to those that think they are beyond the bounds of learning.

For example, there is this one boy in my classes— his name is Nao. At the beginning of the year, Nao was always one of the first to raise his hand and he was clearly a good English student. Soon enough though, I saw him begin to fade out. His particular class has a lot of the “cool” kids (it’s interesting to observe the universality of these dynamics, by the way) and many of them clearly felt that English was “uncool.” Soon, I had to call on him to get an answer and sometimes, after looking quickly around at his classmates, he would suddenly look down and give me a wrong answer or act like he didn’t know—but I knew he knew. I stopped giving him public attention because I saw very quickly that he was only withdrawing to gain acceptance from his peers. I didn’t want to encourage this, so I directed my attention to the outgoing students that genuinely did struggle with English and helped them feel comfortable in my classroom with participating and actually trying to learn. In the meantime, I still made a point to praise Nao and check his work, but I did so quietly, while the class’s attention was focused on group projects or individual work so that he wouldn’t feel targeted. I would stop by Nao’s desk, as I try to do with every student, and I would make sure to compliment something he did well or point out a right answer he marked in his book.

Over time and after a lot of conditioning, the students’ attitudes toward English began to change and now his class is one of my most enthusiastic classes. Even the “cool” kids like to volunteer when I ask for help and they hassle each other for giving wrong answers. Nao has opened up again and it feels so good to see his smile after he’s answered a question correctly in front of his classmates. The truth is that these kids just want to be accepted. They, like all of us, want to feel like they belong. Sometimes they, like all of us, seek approval from the wrong people and end up lowering their standards to impress people they don’t actually like. Ultimately though, they want to be good! They want to learn; they want to do well and, believe it or not, they want to contribute to the classroom. My responsibility as their teacher is to create an atmosphere that allows them to do that. I want all my students to know that they can answer questions without fear of ridicule from me or their classmates. I encourage participation and welcome any effort—and I praise...a lot, especially when they genuinely try but make mistakes.

It’s hard to be a teacher and see students withdrawing from something I KNOW they are capable of learning because they don’t believe in themselves, but it’s absolutely incredible to see that processed reversed. I have so much more respect for my old teachers now and I have learned a ton about myself because of this job.

I’ve learned that I care. A lot. And sometimes this makes life really hard for me—because I get deeply attached very quickly—but it’s also been a great strength for me because I know that my students can tell how much I care about them...and they really respond to that. I can see in their eyes that they want me to be proud of them, that they brighten with my praise and that they need to feel special and individually recognized. I’ve also learned that people will often rise or stoop to what they feel is expected of them. I’ve learned that it’s possible to love teenagers and that it’s possible to intimately connect with others despite staggering barriers of culture and language.

I’ve learned that I have to be passionate about what I do. If my whole heart isn’t invested in something, I can’t do it, even if it’s convenient for me or expected of me. On the other hand, if my whole heart IS invested in something, it doesn’t matter how many obstacles smack me in the face or knock me off my course, I can, and will, stick it out because I’ll want to see it through. Despite the challenges that have come my way in the past 10 months, I have been blown away by the unending stream of blessings bestowed upon me. This is because my heart has longed for everything that living in Japan has given me. I have been able to devote myself to my work out here and that has resulted in more peace and satisfaction with my job than I ever anticipated. It’s hard! Most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m making it up as I go, rolling with the punches and trying to make the most out of the chaos, but I’ve learned to laugh at my mistakes, recognize my weaknesses, and get down on my knees to thank the Lord for all of it anyway. My goodness, what a beautiful ride it has turned out to be.

home sweet home

I would love to go to bed early but I’m pretty sure that if I don’t take the time to write this now, it’s not going to happen. I am home from vacations and camps and “real life” resumes in the morning. Actually, I am baffled when I think that my last entry was written close to a month ago because it was the last thing I did before I set off for my vacation and it was only this morning that I put away the last of my freshly-cleaned clothes and stored away my suitcase again! It is so good to be home. I have missed Sendai--even if it's below freezing. I am exhausted from my travels but, wow, I had a GREAT time!

Well, not ALL of it was great. I had a few mishaps...

First, the train I had to take to get to my night bus was delayed by snow for almost an hour and I nearly missed my bus. Thankfully, I made it just before the bus pulled away. Then, I must have dropped my iPod on the bus at some point because when I stepped into the Osaka station the next morning, I realized that my iPod was no where to be seen. However, I was able to call a friend from Sendai and reported my iPod missing to the bus company. They found it and held it for me at their station! My friend picked it up and held onto it for me until I got back home. I cannot describe how relieved I was to hear this awesome news! The next week and a half went along without any additional major hang-ups and I visited some of the most beautiful and interesting places I’ve seen yet in Japan. Then, I headed to Tokyo to meet up with a different set of friends for the New Year.

On my way to Tokyo, I had to take the local train from Nara (a trip that should have taken about eight hours but ended up taking twelve) and was again delayed by the snow—this time for almost two hours. Because I was taking local trains, I also had to switch trains about ten times and usually had between three or four minutes to switch platforms and board a different train. Because of the delay, I had to take all new trains (not the ones I had written down in advance), so I had to ask for my next stop as I went and pray that it all came together (which it did!). In the confusion, I must have dropped my phone because I realized with horror on one train that my cell phone was no longer with me. The trains were packed though, so I huddled against all the other passengers and tried to think of a plan. I didn’t know where my hotel was located in Tokyo and didn’t have any of the cell phone numbers memorized of my friends. I keep these details in my iPod as a back-up but, of course, my iPod was the first item to go missing on my trip. I soothed myself with the assurance that there would be a public computer somewhere that I could use to e-mail them, as is the case in most large train stations here.

I finally got to the Tokyo station and went straight to the Information Center. It was closed! I went to the ticket counter to ask for help and glanced up at a sign that said, “Baggage.” My stomach dropped—my bag! I had to buy another bag in Kyoto because of all the souvenirs I was finding for family and friends back home. I had an entire bag I had filled with gifts I found along the way and threw in some other personal items like my towel, jewelry, and what-not... I realized once I saw this sign that I did not have my bag with me. I recalled that on one of the trains, a railway employee had lifted my bag onto the overhead storage area and on the way off the train, I grabbed my backpack, suitcase, and purse—completely spacing the bag I had added to my load along the way.

I almost started to cry. I was directed back up to the train tracks, where I was told there would be a conductor station with a lost and found. If my bag was on the train and a conductor saw it, he would have put it in this station. I lugged all my luggage back to the platform and found the station, but no one inside spoke much English. In fact, they were annoyed by my questions and ordered me out of the station, crossing their arms and telling me, “No!” At this point I was frustrated and quite overwhelmed. I helplessly stood back in line at the ticket office downstairs, not sure where else I could go, but again, the people were far from helpful and simply told me that the help desk was closed and that there was no where I could go to use public Internet or contact anyone. I asked if anyone was at least familiar with my hotel so that I could find my friends and re-work a plan from there. They didn’t even feign interest in helping me—they shooed me off and I stood in the middle of the Tokyo Station with my luggage and no idea where to go or how to get ahold of anyone. At this point, I had been wondering the station for well over an hour and was no closer to knowing what to do than when I entered it.

By then, I could barely fight back the tears pushing their way to the surface. I didn’t know what else to do other than try again and again for help until I could find someone willing to help me. Finally, a subway employee at a check-out gate said she thought she knew the hotel I mentioned. She didn’t know how to get there, but she knew the subway station I needed to find and what subway exit I needed to take. She said she thought the hotel would be close from there. I was so inexplicably thankful for her help that I set off immediately toward where she hoped I needed to go. Her guess was better than mine! I got to the station and searched for the exit, only to find that the exit number didn’t exist! My heart sank again and tears rushed to my eyes but I didn’t have time to cry—I had to find my hotel and hope that my friends were still there. It was New Year’s Eve and I didn’t want to spend it sobbing in a subway station, so I got out of the exit closest to what I was looking for and walked until I somehow found the hotel. I checked in, opened the door, heard my friends’ voices on the other side of the room, and dropped my bags right there. I literally fell to the floor at the sight of them and couldn’t hold back my tears any longer—I don’t know if they were from frustration or gratitude at that point, but I think it was a combination of both. I explained to them what had happened and why I was so late.

Of course, they were understanding and patient and wonderful, but I didn’t want to waste more of their time by crying or stressing over what couldn’t be changed that night—I would have to wait until morning to contact the train company and my cell phone company. In the meantime, 2010 was going to be over in about four hours and I really, really didn’t want to let the year close in tears. I rented a towel from the hotel and we all rushed to get ready for the big night. In fact, we headed out the door so quickly that we didn’t even take pictures before we left!

I’ve been told that Tokyo is the hottest spot in the world for New Year’s, but I don’t think the rating system applies for Mormons... :-). We had a fun night but most of the fun was because I was with loved ones and feeling very, very grateful to the Lord that I had been directed to them. Still, New Year’s is New Year’s. No matter where you are in the world, it is a night of people getting so drunk they don’t remember the holiday anyway and is bombarded with loud, dirty, and overpriced clubs, slimy men, and way too much hype for a night that boils down to nothing beyond a 10-second countdown. My favorite part of the New Year’s celebration was when we deviated from the Western celebrations and went to a Buddhist temple in Tokyo to celebrate with the locals. Beginning at midnight, the temples ring bells 108 times to symbolize the 108 human sins in Buddhist belief, and to get rid of the 108 worldly desires regarding sense and feeling in every Japanese citizen. I really, really loved this part of the night. We wandered through the temple grounds and I was amazed by how many people were there. It was packed! Eventually, we made our way back to the heart of the city in the early morning and set out looking for a club that is supposed to be one of the hottest clubs in the entire world. We got terribly lost and wandered the streets for hours, but FINALLY found it. Dancing with friends to great music? Fun! Sticky, stinky rooms with way too many drunk people also trying to see the hottest club in the world? Not fun. We made it home after 6:00 the next morning and I don’t think my feet have ever hurt so bad in my entire life. Ha ha. That’s what I get for wearing heels in Tokyo, I know, but I couldn’t go out for New Year’s and not wear heels...so it was worth the pain...almost... :-D It was definitely a New Year’s I’ll never forget; that’s for sure!

Cultures collide--at the Buddhist Temple with the Tokyo Tower in the background.

I made it through the rest of my time in Tokyo without losing anything else and finally made it home the morning of the 10th of January. I felt a huge surge of relief to know that my bad luck was finally behind me and was excited to see the Christmas/birthday presents sent from my family while I was gone. However, instead of seeing my packages when I got home, I found delivery notices from the post office, stating that they were holding my boxes and to contact them for redelivery. Thankfully, my landlord was around to call for me, as I obviously had no phone. Much to my dismay, I learned that the post office had held my packages until the 9th of January but that they were no longer there...they had just been reposted BACK to America... !

It is expensive to ship anything from the States to Japan and I don’t know how much money my family spent to send me what they did, but I’m sure it was an outrageous price and a substantially sized package. I feel terrible for all their wasted money and at this point told them not to resend any of it—I love and appreciate their efforts, but the cost it would take to send everything AGAIN (plus whatever they get charged from Japan for having everything sent back to them) would be absolutely ridiculous. What a mess!!

Thankfully though, I had previously asked my sister to send me some American treats and items for my English Camp and her package arrived without any problems. I wanted the students to have a “taste” of America, so I gave each of them a Blow Pop sucker, a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, and a mixed CD I compiled of American music. Burning the CD was a total headache because of DMR restrictions from iTunes (of which I was previously unaware), and took hours to sort out. Sure enough though, the Lord stepped in and everything came together just in time for my camp!

Last day of English Camp with some students/co-teachers. SO much fun!

I wish I could talk in greater depth about each of the places I visited on my vacation and talk ALL about English Camp! Maybe I’ll go into more detail another time because there is a lot that happened that I would like to share. All in all, there were definite mishaps...but so life goes! Still, there were also blessings—huge blessings—and the Lord was definitely with me every step of the way. I saw incredible places, met amazing people, and had precious experiences that will stay with me forever. I’ll openly admit to getting discouraged and frustrated by the hassles that seemed to be overwhelming me at times, but I can thankfully say that those moments were temporary and that they soon turned into blessings and opportunities. Phones can be replaced, souvenirs can be repurchased, and packages can be reshipped, if necessary. None of these things are worth losing faith or happiness. In all reality, if I had to choose an electronic device to lose on my travels, it absolutely would have been my phone anyway. I’m SO grateful it was not my camera. I don’t have the souvenirs, but I have thousands of pictures that are much more precious to me. I’m sorry to all of you that won’t get the same souvenirs I originally planned, but I’ll still try to find you something you’ll like from where I can. In the meantime, I hope you will be satisfied as I share with you my pictures, my stories, and intimate reflections of my journey abroad.

I guess that my experiences on this trip could be seen as a foreshadowing of what I should expect in the coming year. There will be laughter but there will surely be tears as well. I know that sometimes everything will come together perfectly and other times I’ll feel as if everything is slipping through my fingers. I will experience joy, fear, sadness, frustration, relief, and gratitude. I will lose things that are precious to me but I will also discover new blessings that I hadn’t even anticipated. I know there will be times that I am surrounded by loved ones as well as times that I feel helplessly alone and unsure of where to go. All of this and so much more is sure to be manifested as the year unfolds. Ultimately, I don’t know what 2011 has in store for me but I do know this: it’s going to be remarkable. As I face every single day, I hope to remind myself of this simple and profound prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Welcome to 2011!

goodbye 2010 - i'm moving on!

December is drawing to a close and so, of course, is the year of 2010. It is around this time of year that many of us take the time to slow down a little, ponder the events of the previous year, and evaluate our lives a bit. With renewed determination, we realign our goals, dig for our work-out clothes, and determine to do a little better this time. I was hoping to take some time to reflect, gather my thoughts, and share with you some of what I have come to realize about myself during this magnificent year...but I haven’t even had time to sit long enough to pull out my journal or hop on Skype to talk with my family in weeks! I just got home from work and now I am sitting at my computer next to a zebra-print suitcase and a bus ticket for Osaka, Japan that leaves in under an hour. My heart is tender, my mind is racing, and my head aches from weeks of little sleep and over-scheduling. Still, even as I type this I cannot help but smile with contentment and gratitude for the conditions of my life exactly as they are right now...right at this very moment.

Tonight I’m taking a 12-hour bus ride to Osaka and then I’m switching to a train and heading for another 8 hours to Hiroshima, one of the sites of the Atomic bomb that destroyed the city in 1945. I’m meeting up with friends as I go and steadily working my way around Hiroshima, Miyajima, Kobe, Osaka, Kyoto, Nara, back up to Tokyo, and eventually home to Sendai! I’ll get home on the 10th of January and will then leave the next day to attend an English Camp with a group of high school students until the 15th. I teach the Gospel Doctrine lesson in church on the 16th, and then it’s back to work on the 17th—the day before my 24th birthday! I can hardly believe it! December isn’t even over yet and I already feel like it’s almost the end of January!

This trip is going to be exhausting but amazing and I can’t wait to get started on it, but that doesn’t leave me much time now to intimately discuss the thoughts and feelings deeply stirring within me. Let it suffice to say for now that 2010 has been a year of healing for me. Truthfully, I didn’t realize this would be such a year of letting go, moving forward, and fulfilling my dreams. Coming to japan has proved to be one of the single best decisions I’ve ever made in my life and I will never be the same. This land, its people, everything has completely captured my heart and healed the parts I didn’t even know were broken. I cannot recall ever feeling so much constant JOY and gratitude for my life. I’ve always tried to be a happy, optimistic person, but this is different...there is a difference between happiness and joy and what I feel consuming every corner of my being is a deep, peaceful, lasting joy.

I am richly blessed...I know that God has always been with me, but I have never felt His presence so intensely and continuously as I have since I first stepped into Tokyo NINE MONTHS ago, today. Whoa. I can hardly comprehend that it has been nine months... and now I look at my life and I am humbled to tears. If only I could begin to express the goodness of God...if only a language existed that contained words I could use to articulate the depth of my gratitude, of my faith, of my awe for my Heavenly Father and the abundant goodness He has bestowed upon me... It is remarkable...

These feelings, of course, are impossible to adequately express, but we’ve all felt love, fear, anger, passion, and faith so intensely at some point in our lives that words aren’t actually all that necessary to communicate such raw feelings, are they? As I mentioned in my last post, it seems to me that we connect to each other through our experiences more than our actual words...that we can actually feel each other’s hearts when we let ourselves. I think this is why we are able to relate so intimately with each other and why other people’s words, song lyrics, or art stir us so intensely. Sometimes the simple realization that someone else has felt what you are feeling is as intense as the feeling in and of itself, isn’t it?

I had a moment like this recently. I was listening to my iPod on shuffle recently and a song began to play that I didn’t even realize I had. It was a country song and I almost clicked passed it, but decided to let it play a bit...my heart was immediately captured by what I heard and I realized that the message of this song has definitely proved to be, as my oldest brother described it, a “theme song” of mine for 2010--one of many. I wish I had time to write more tonight, but let these words give voice to my heart for now. I will write more as soon as I can and although I already know better than to make unrealistic goals for 2011 like giving up chocolate or determining to write a blog post every day, I can say that I know 2011 is going to be even more incredible than 2010.

“There comes a time in everyone’s life when all you can see are the years passing by and I’ve made up my mind that those days are gone.” I’m moving on, moving forward, and moving up in 2011. There is no time to let up, give up, or back down; my goals are too high and my passion is too deep for mediocrity. Ready or not, World: here I come!

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Thank you all for your love, your support, and your faith. I am grateful for your willingness to share in this journey with me. Now, I better hurry and catch my bus!!

xxx

P.S. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

some thoughts on language

Japanese is a fun language. I probably could have studied it before moving here, but I was told that I would only be allowed to speak English at my job anyway and that learning the language would be unnecessary (not to mention, virtually impossible). Surprisingly, this has turned out to be mostly true. I sort of live in an English bubble and while this is convenient, it’s also a bit unfortunate, isn’t it? I’ve picked up a bit here and there because of my own curiousness, but my knowledge is limited...very, VERY limited.

Anyway, when I first arrived here, everything just sounded so...well, Japanese! I couldn’t believe that the sounds around me created a real language—something coherent and comprehensible to millions of people. Whenever I tried mimicking the most basic daily expressions, I felt like my tongue was genetically formed to inhibit me from speaking Japanese. I decided to start with the basics and learn the alphabet! That’s when things got messy... I discovered that there were four different forms of Japanese “alphabets”—hiragana, katakana, kanji, and romaji.

The Japanese alphabet is actually a set of phonetic sounds, each represented by a written character. There are 46 characters representing basic sounds and 58 “extra” or “combination” sounds, each having another character to represent it. These 104 sounds and their 208 respective characters make up the hiragana and katakana alphabets. Hiragana characters are used to form words native to the Japanese language/culture and katakana characters are used to represent words and sounds that were introduced to Japanese after it was initially formed (simply deemed “foreign” words).

Kanji is what most people think of when they imagine Japanese. Kanji is the complicated, picture-like stuff and there are—get this—well over 3,000 kanji characters, many with over 20 strokes. Kanji was derived from Chinese and was then “simplified” to create hiragana and again for katakana. However, these three alphabets are used together in written Japanese—a single sentence can (and often does) use all three character sets. Each kanji symbol represents a sound, like hiragana and katakana, but can also represent a combination of sounds. However, depending on the content, placement, and surrounding kanji or hiragana, many kanji characters have five or more different sounds...so even if you learn one kanji sound, the same symbol in another sentence could represent a completely different sound or word... Feeling overwhelmed? I’m honestly trying to explain this as directly and simply as I can, but it’s a bit complicated and it’s difficult to understand until you at least learn hiragana and katakana. Since there are only 208 of these characters to memorize, doing so is realistic; really it is. Plus, while the characters are more complex than Roman letters, they seem incredibly basic when compared to most kanji.

That reminds me! we musn’t forget romaji! Romaji isn’t so much of an actual alphabet as it is a courtesy to foreigners. As the name suggests, romaji is simply the Japanese sound written using Roman letters, so while it is not technically Japanese, the sounds are the same and it is used widely throughout the country. It is thanks to romaji that I have am able to explain these alphabets because I doubt it would have been as clear if I had said that the four alphabets are
ひらがな, カタカナ, 漢字, and romaji!

Phew! Enough of that! Anyway, the point of all this is to explain that Japanese is actually a surprisingly simple language. No, you didn't read that wrong. I meant what it says. Not to destroy the daunting image that has been maintained forever or anything, but Japanese is only impossible on the surface. It’s hard to speak and it takes years to read/write kanji, but the actual language itself is, from what I have seen so far, pretty uncomplicated. Beneath the intricate brush strokes and obscure sounds lies a language without capitalization, pluralization, or intricate sentence constructions. Pronouns (he, she, we, they) and sentence subjects are often optional and articles (a, the, some, any) are nonexistent. Oh, and the same verb form is used for both present and future tenses...! I remember my first daunting days in Spanish class when I learned that not only do articles change for singular and plural words in Español, but that there are masculine and feminine forms for everything; not to mention more verb changes than there are mood swings among adolescent females... There aren’t even spaces in Japanese for crying out loud—well, that one can actually be more confusing than helpful, but still... There are only a few punctuation marks and unlike English, most grammar and pronunciation rules are actually consistent. Ha!

For example, a very common phrase (using romaji to illustrate) is, “daijyoubudesu.” This literally means, “It is all right,” but can be used in many situations. If I want to make this a question, I just add “ka” to the end, but informally, I can ask and answer the same question by dropping “desu” and “ka” and just saying “daijyoubu.” If I want to ask you if you are all right, if something I'm doing/offering is acceptable, or if I'm wondering whether a boy, girl, or group of people is/are okay, all I have to say is, “daijyoubu?” If a boy, a girl, a group of people, or a monkey want to answer affirmatively, the response would be the same as the question, “daijyoubu.” It isn’t necessary to add pronouns or even subjects to the phrase for it to make sense to a Japanese person. See what I mean? It’s a language, and a culture, which prides itself in ambiguity, but even though it’s confusing, it’s simple...or at the very least it’s simply confusing...right?

My favorite Japanese word to say, by the way, happens to be "otokonoko," which (coincidentally) means “boy.” Again, there is no plural form in Japanese, so I can say "otokonoko" for one boy or fifty boys—it’s all the same. Just say it, oh-toe-koh-noh-koh, otokonoko! Ha ha. Otokonoko is my favorite word to say, but my real favorite word is “ne” (pronounced neh). "Ne" doesn’t technically mean anything...but it is used all the time to indicate a shared emotion.

Harmony, called “wa,” is central to Japanese culture and it is very important for a person to feel emotionally and spiritually connected to the people and places around him or her. While there is no direct translation for "ne" into English, it is basically used to express the hope that whoever you are speaking with might share the sentiment you are experiencing/attempting to convey. By adding “ne” to the end of a question, it is like saying, “I want you to share this with me; can you feel what I’m feeling?” Of course, the proper response is to add “ne” to whatever response you give. In fact, “ne” is often the only word necessary to confirm the shared emotion. I love this. Love this.

A couple weeks ago, I visited Yamagata, which is the prefecture (or “state”) next to Miyagi (where I live) and had a “ne” moment. I hiked up a mountain to visit a temple called Yamadera (山寺), which appropriately means, “mountain temple” and was amazed by the beautiful fall colors and nature that surrounded me. Upon reaching the temple grounds, I saw a patch of moss and leaves along the path and next to a young tree. The entire patch was covered in greenery—except for a single tiny, yellow flower near the base of the sapling. There was something delicate and poignant in seeing this solitary blossom standing along the sacred grounds and it struck me profoundly. At this moment, a sweet old woman stopped mid-stride upon seeing the flower. I glanced at her and recognized in her face that she was experiencing what I did when I noticed it. Our eyes met and we smiled; I looked at her and almost whispered, “Ne?” She smiled and nodded slowly. “Ne...” she said softly, looking at me and back at the flower. She repeated it twice more, and then quietly continued along the path.

Language is beautiful, isn’t it? Even so, it’s amazing to me that the most significant connections we feel with others are not really brought about by language at all—they develop from the bonds of humanity. Even if shared by the bridges of language, these incredible moments actually occur when we see the heart of another person and stop to express, “I want you to share this with me; can you feel what I’m feeling?”

...Ne?

the clash!

It's December! What?! My life’s pace has steadily picked up since I first arrived last spring and even though winter usually seems to slow things down a bit, I can’t help but feel like this year is going to be an exception. I have so many plans set for December and January that I’m already booked every weekend until February! And then my contract is up the very next month? Ack! I’m not ready for this.

When I left the States to pursue this crazy little dream of mine, I was a bit scared by the length of a one-year commitment to life abroad; somehow, it sounded like a really long time. Even so, I knew didn’t want to be a “tourist.” I wanted to immerse myself in a land, culture, and world totally different from anything else I had ever known. I wanted to step completely outside my comfort zone and just jump. I knew that I was risking a lot to come here, and I knew that I could fall flat on my face by doing so, but I also knew that it could be one of the greatest experiences of my life...and that if I didn’t do it, I would always wonder what it would have been like if I did.

Now, here I am. I’ve been in Japan for over eight months and it really feels like home. I arrived in Tokyo thinking that I would be teaching young children in Niigata and now I’m living on the other side of the country, primarily teaching high school students. Nothing about this experience has turned out the way I planned on it turning out...thank goodness I’m not the one in charge! Every twist, every trial, every single “coincidence” since I got here has proved to be an incredible manifestation of the omniscience and omnipresence of God. Every detail has been a continuous confirmation to me of His power, His grace, and His love. I realize that I haven’t articulated a fraction of a percent of my life in this blog the way I thought I would, but I hope to be better about it in the future because my existence is truly a miracle and I do want to record my experiences.

I feel like a cheesy optimist but I. Am. So. Happy...! I am so blessed and so amazed by the tender mercies of my Heavenly Father that I can barely contain myself. Sometimes I cannot help but laugh out loud with joy. Other times I feel tears swelling behind my eyes for no reason other than having the realization all over again that I am alive. I think the best times are when I blast my music and burst into outrageous dance in my bedroom though ha ha ha. It’s silly. But it’s true. Leaving my world behind and discovering a new one on my own has proved to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. It was exactly what I needed in my life at the time I left the States and I will always treasure my time here.

I sometimes hear people living abroad talk about “home” in a sad way, as though they wish they were back where they came from. Others seem to be just passing the time, waiting for life to happen to them instead of creating it to be exactly what they want it to be. I don’t understand this way of thinking. Of course I miss home. Of course I miss my family, my friends, and a ridiculous list of Western food/conveniences. Still, could I wish to be anywhere other than exactly where I am? No way. NO way. I want to savor every minute of my life—and I’m not just talking about in Japan. I am here now and I am trying to make the most of my chance to be here, but I hope I never catch myself wishing to be anywhere other than where I am because every moment, every breath—it’s all miraculous. It’s all a precious gift from God.

All of this has really gotten me thinking lately about my contract. The truth is that as much as I miss my loved ones, I don’t feel ready to come home. I don’t know if it’s because I’m secretly scared of resuming “normal” life, because I’ve grown comfortable where I am, or if it’s because of something deeper, but it makes me genuinely sad to think of leaving Japan. I am hesitant to remain in any legally binding agreement with my company one second longer than absolutely necessary, but that’s another story entirely. While I am not eager to sell my soul to my employer by resigning anything, I cannot deny the fact that I have fallen in love with this place.

Sendai has wrapped its way around my heartstrings. Every time I return from a trip, I smile and feel that peace of coming home when I see this city. Also, of course I love my students! I’m sure all teachers get attached to their students, but these kids will never know how much I wish I could get to know every single one of them and help them all reach their dreams. Watching them learn and grow is a more incredible feeling than I thought one could feel in a professional realm… it feels like a taste of motherhood to me, I suppose.

Still, the truth is that I happen to be a hopeless romantic and I have a tendency to fall in love easily—with people, places, and life. I know I would be happy if I extended my contract another year. I love Sendai and I love my students, but I don’t believe that I would have had a less incredible experience in a different city or different school. I know that I would be happy if I decided to continue this dream, but I know I would find joy and fulfillment and purpose in my life by pursuing any other ambition as well. Of course I could come home, pick up where I left off professionally, and get back to career paths, 401(k)s, insurance policies, and "real life." Sometimes though, I still want to move to South America and become enveloped by the sensuousness of the Spanish language and Latin-American culture that’s always stirred me. Other days I feel like I should utilize my love of learning by diving into a Master’s degree like I’ve longed to do for so many years. Yet, there are times that I feel like letting myself settle down a bit to fulfill those sacred roles of wife and mother that have always felt central to my core as well.

I have so many passions, so many dreams, and while it’s easy for people to tell me to just seek them all, it would really help if I could press pause and enjoy my 20s for another 20 years. A wise friend once told me that our opportunities will define us, even the ones we miss. I believe there is truth in such counsel and know that by realizing some of the dreams of my heart, others may become impossible, but I am trying every day to allow these opportunities to help me become all I am capable of becoming. Despite my personal deficiencies, I am still overcome with excitement for all the beauty I know the future is going to hold. My life is going to be incredible because it already is and I feel so blessed to realize that. I have learned that I hold the power to decide whether or not I am happy and whether or not I see the blessings around me; the result has been that I am happier now than I have ever been in my life and although there are trials and challenges every day, I am humbled to tears when I consider how much more the Lord has blessed me than I deserve. His charity toward me is remarkable.

Because I haven’t figured out how to pause time and life is going to move forward whether or not I’m ready for it to, I know that I have to make some big decisions...soon. My two choices regarding Japan are pretty evident. Option #1: Extend my contract. Option #2: Don’t.

Sounds pretty simple, right? Well, of course, it seems more difficult to me. I’m not trying to overcomplicate what is really rather easy, but I am trying to be realistic about the consequences of either decision. The benefits of staying are obvious, so let’s consider why I wouldn’t stay. Unfortunately, finances are the biggest factor. Wait...I am here to work, right? You’d think that finances be a motivation to stay even longer. Not so. The details are confusing but it boils down to a huge tax I would have to pay in the spring if I stayed here any longer than my twelve-month contact. It seems to be a message to foreigners that they can stay in Japan but that they’ve worn out their welcomes. The tax varies, depending upon location, income, and a list of other factors that not even I fully understand. In fact, there isn’t really a way for me to find out how much I’ll have to pay until I receive the bill. I’ve been asking around though and I’ve gotten a lot of estimates that put the figure somewhere between $2,000 and $3,000...

I want to extend...but I also do want to begin pursuing other dreams, too, so I decided that if I can extend, I would only extend for another semester...then move forward from there. Unfortunately, I must pay the full tax whether I stay in Japan four days, five months, or eleven months and three weeks passed my one-year mark. After factoring in rent, food, and other living expenses, I might not be able to afford to stay here to work because the money would be paid in monthly installments of about $750 each time. Of course this experience is not about the money (I’ve already taken a significant cut in my income to come here in the first place), but it seems counterintuitive to lose money in order to work, doesn’t it? In all fairness, I love my job; I really do. Still, if I really wanted to throw away $2,000-$3,000 to stay in Japan, it would make more sense to stay here and not work (thereby not paying the tax), and just travel/live until I ran out of money. This might not even be legal though, as I have a work visa and would be living without health insurance or anything else...hmm...see how this gets so complicated?

Of course, that same amount of money could be put toward my education or any of my other goals if I decided not to stay in Japan...

I was hoping to make my decision within the next month or two, but my company asked for my preliminary decision a couple weeks ago and I had little time to respond. I know I would love to stay but haven’t done the necessary amount of prayer, research, evaluation, and more prayer to know whether or not it is the best option for me. Still, I decided to submit my letter of intent declaring that I wished to stay in order to secure the option in case I find a way to make it feasible. I am not contractually bound to a decision for another month or two...

I really need to figure this out. Oh, here we go—back to that age-old question: should I stay or should I go??

note: language barriers+hair salons=disaster!

Monday November 22, 2010

I decided to find a hair salon this weekend. Well, by find, I mean enter. I have “found” several salons, but have never had the courage to step inside any of them. I don’t know what gave me the gumption to go for it, but I woke up on Saturday morning determined to follow through. I finally chose one that seemed tasteful but affordable (as in less than the $200+ standard I see for a color/cut) and made an appointment for later that afternoon. I used the extra time to explore new areas in downtown Sendai, finish my latest Jane Austen romance, and people-watch from my corner-seat in the second story of a charming café. I even bought myself a Christmas tree, some decorations, and splurged on Nutella from the foreign-foods shop! I’ve wanted Nutella for almost eight months, but it’s about $10 for a 10-ounce jar and practicality has kept me away...I guess the self-indulgence of a salon day finally swayed my judgment!

After several hours of pleasant browsing and proactive stalling, I returned to the salon for my appointment and began talking with my stylist about what I wanted. I came armed with a Japanese/English dictionary and key words/phrases written down that I knew I would need there. We talked for a long time, gesturing, translating, drawing pictures, and finally reaching a point of mutual understanding...sort of. My world has essentially become a real-life game of pictionary/charades ha ha. Finally, I just told him, “I trust you. Let’s try it!”

In all honesty, I was a little nervous at first, but all I wanted was for him to add some brown and blonde sections of color to the crown of my head, just to blend the regrowth and get me through the winter. I calmly watched him work away and it wasn’t until I saw him applying bleach directly to my scalp all over the crown of my head that I really began to worry. Still, I wanted to wait and let the professional do his job and prayed that it would make more sense once I saw the finished product. Well, I saw the finished product at the salon and was shocked by how much blonde he put in my hair! I only wanted a small amount mixed in with the brown, but almost all of the hair he treated looked bleached. However, the lighting in the salon was very poor and I figured that it would look very different in fresh lighting. I smiled, paid, and booked it for home!

I was right; it did look very different in fresh lighting. It looked worse. Much worse! My jaw dropped when I looked in the mirror back at my apartment and saw my ORANGE and YELLOW hair! I wanted to laugh but also wanted to cry; my hair was wretched. Completely awful. I’ve always cracked jokes about what horror stories might ensue if I ever dared to step inside a hair salon out here, but apparently I had no idea what I was actually in for.

What was equally upsetting to me was that I reached for my Nutella as food-consolation only to find that it wasn’t in my shopping bags. Somehow, it fell out or got dropped somewhere along my way home...I finally spent $10 on Nutella and never even got to try it once...! I had to quickly accept the loss of my treat and forced myself to concentrate on finding a solution to the brassy-orange mop on my head.

I called a couple friends for help and arranged with one to meet the next morning for an emergency hair intervention. We went to a drugstore to evaluate our options. (Neither of us has access to professional products out here and there was no way I dared to petition a salon for help.) She suggested re-coloring the blonde to remove the orange and we gave it a try at her house, but it was disappointingly ineffective.

Back at the drugstore, I half-sincerely suggested just dying it all black. We considered other colors but wondered how they would turn out on my hair—and whether my hair could even handle more chemicals/color treatments. Suddenly, I noticed a “hair-treatment rinse” in a blue bottle. Blue cancels out orange, right? I turned to my friend and she readily agreed that it would be our best bet, so I bought it and came back home to try it out...


Sad face...this picture doesn't do justice to my calico head, but this is pre-blue gunk. I only snapped one shot, so this is all I've got as future blackmail against myself. See my cute Christmas tree in the back though? YAY!

I don’t want to turn this into a hair lesson, but I suppose it may help to clarify that salons already use blue in their bleach when they lighten hair in the states in order to offset the orange color pulled from bleached hair. The bleach used on me was white, which means nothing was in the mix to offset the orange. I let it soak for about an hour and noticed a greenish hue developing on my scalp! Ack! I jumped back in the shower and vigorously shampooed somewhere around eighteen times, then left on a conditioning treatment overnight as a peace-offering to my hair.

The good news is that I no longer look like Carrot Top. The bad news is that the crown of my head is still an unbecoming mass of bleached roots with random streaks of brown. More good news is that I’m in Japan and it doesn’t really matter if my hair is blonde or brown or purple; I still look American. More bad news is that I have work pictures in a couple hours and two trips planned within the week with friends that will involve lots of pictures, a.k.a. immutable evidence of my hair’s current condition.

Still, let’s end this on a plus side. In all honesty, it’s just hair and I’ll fix it eventually. I feel ridiculous, but it is still immeasurably better than when I first got it done, and I guess anything that forces me to swallow my pride and vanity a bit has to be good for me, right? Plus, it really is pretty comical. I’m not denying the fact that I was openly disconcerted upon first seeing my reflection in the mirror, but I’ve already laughed about it in conversations with family and friends. And hey, at least I can say that I’ve been to a Japanese salon... Besides, our most embarrassing stories are usually the most enjoyable for everyone else, aren’t they?

I think I’m going straight to the hair salon from the airport next year... In the meantime, maybe I’ll just pick up a hat or two...and another jar of Nutella...?

You can't see the full effect of the nasty yellow in its true hue, but you can kinda get the idea. It still looks pretty bad in real-life but, hey, what can ya do?