journal entry #9 - serenity...now? (for all you seinfeld fans)

May 1, 2010 11:00 pm JST

What a ride this past month has been...I wish I could take the time and space to pen even the smallest details of my experiences in this beautiful country, but I feel like it would be a never-ending task. As I begin to describe one day, one event, or just one moment, my mind and heart stir with influxes of related thoughts and feelings linked to other stories...and I fear that an attempt to encapsulate these things would only result in a meddled web of anecdotes and half-told tangents.

I wish I could offer a day-by-day account of all that’s taken place, but every time I sit to catch up on the events since my last journal entry, I am overwhelmed by how much has happened that I am not even sure where to begin. Instead, I feel like I have developed overall impressions of Japan, myself, and general life-truths through my daily experiences, and I would like to share my thoughts on these subjects, while simultaneously including relevant stories and event details that have occurred thus far in this incredible, Asian adventure of mine.

Still, I know I need to include some sort of update concerning my housing, work situation, and well-being, considering the unanswered questions that have likely developed from my previous entries...but tonight my heart is full with other thoughts that have been idly stirring for some time. I promise that soon I will write an update about my work, my accommodations, and so forth, but for now, I ask for your patience as I share some feelings that are more relevant to my heart than my physical address or work schedule.

Let me just say this: Never in my life have I been so aware of God’s miraculous omnipresence, of my own limitations and abilities, and of precious and universal truths that have been brought to the forefront of my mind. I am in love with this life...what a gift it is for us to wake up each morning and partake in the blessings permeating this beautiful world around us! Nothing about this adventure has turned out the way I thought it would and the conditions of my life at this time are not at all what I thought they would be five years ago, one year ago, or even two months ago. I think I became so caught up in the routine of daily life that I actually began to expect things to happen the way I had prepared for them to happen. I was under the false assumption that my own decisions, actions, and goals would determine the details of my future—but I am learning now that I never had control of those factors in my life.

I stumbled across a saying several years ago called the Serenity Prayer (by Reinhold Niebuhr) and was impressed by its words, but I feel like they have taken on a new meaning for me in the last five weeks. The prayer implores, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” I don’t even know what it is I thought I could change before, but I am discovering in Japan that all I really can control is myself. Anything beyond me lies within the agency of others and the agenda of God. I can decide how to react to what occurs in my life, and I can prepare myself for whatever may take place, but being prepared and adaptable are very different than being in control.

With my very limited understanding of the present and completely absent comprehension of what is to come in the future, I am surprisingly comforted to accept that the events of my life and my personal anticipation of those events have no impact on each other. I am not saying that life is mere chance, nor am I absolving accountability for the consequences of my choices. Rather, I am simply more aware now than ever before of the difference between exerting control over myself and anticipating control over factors that are beyond my capacities.

I will strive every day to be a better person than I was the day before, to be happier, more loving, more knowledgeable, and more in-tune with the Lord. I know that every event of my life has a purpose; I know that there is a divine reason behind every change, every trial, and every moment...I just pray that I will be strong enough to seek the eternal blessings that lay beyond the temporal limitations of my callow understanding. Ultimately, I know that I am being strengthened, molded, and prepared for an incredible future. This life is miraculous and I’m determined to seek the miracles. Thank you all for your faith in me as I learn along the way.