journal entry #11 - when it rains, it pours...but at least it's beautiful

Friday May 7, 2010 11:00 pm JST

All I can think about is my baby brother...today is May 7th, the day that Casey comes home from his mission. He has been serving in the England, London South Mission since May of 2008 and even though he comes home today, he won’t actually be home until tomorrow...it’s confusing to live in the future! It’s Friday in Japan right now, but Casey won’t actually get home until Friday evening in America, which will be about 10 o’clock on Saturday morning for me – yes, I’ve already calculated the time difference to be aware of the exact moment that he will step off the plane. I’m not homesick, I’m not homesick, I’m not...ok, maybe I’m feeling a little homesick.

It isn’t that I don’t want to be here. I have actually had an amazing day today and my heart is overflowing with gratitude for the conditions of my life exactly as they are...but I do miss my sweet, younger brother dearly, and it makes my heart ache a bit to know that I won’t be there when he gets home. I realize that I would just overwhelm him with affection and incessant chatter the way I did when my older brother Tyler came back from his mission, but it’s disheartening to think that I will go three years without seeing the face of my favorite little fungus. (It’s a long story for those who don’t know the nickname, but Casey was tenderly deemed “Spore” or “Fungus” by my eldest sister when he was very young and it just stuck; I almost always address him by one of these delicate and charming titles.) Still, as I mentioned, today has been another wonderful adventure in Japan and I am trying to remember that I can control where I let my thoughts dwell, but I cannot control the overlap between my departure from America and Spore’s return from his mission.

Fungus and me at the airport on the morning he left for his mission!

With that in mind, I would like to share this week’s highlights: Sunday morning brought the realization that I had accidentally left my digital camera in the pocket of a coat that I washed the night before...ohhh, Karianne...I was sick to my stomach all day because I made the realization on my way out the door to church and didn’t get back home for six hours, which gave me far too many opportunities to beat myself up for my absentmindedness and too much time to worry over whether or not my SD card survived the wash, which it did--thank goodness!! I had Monday through Wednesday off work for what’s called Golden Week in Japan, which is a series of three unrelated, but consecutive holidays during which schools, businesses, and government offices close. Also, I worked the previous Saturday and so I received a compensatory day off on Thursday! I was SO excited for the break because I hadn’t had time to take care of a lot of errands and hadn’t done much exploring around Sendai beyond the essential places to purchase basic items. I was eager to take a few days to visit parks, temples, and friends, and take lots of pictures...oh yeah...I put my camera through the normal cycle...Excellent... :-/

Still, my days off flew by. I spent each day biking and trekking around Sendai to check out new stores, markets, and malls. My dad would be so proud; I even compared prices! I found everything on my list but maple syrup and rain boots...well, actually I found both, but the syrup was $35 dollars for less than 200ml (about 6 oz) and the rain boots were just under $200, so I decided I’d better keep looking. :-) I also visited friends, taught some private English classes, wrote lesson plans, skyped with loved ones back home, and finally caved into buying a new digital camera. I found an upgraded version of what I bought back in the states for less than I spent on my first (it was the final day of a great Golden Week sale) and even though it makes me sick to think of the total cost of both cameras, all I can do now is carefully check every pocket and every fold of every piece of laundry I wash...twice.

This morning was warm and beautiful though and I felt refreshed and ready for a busy day of teaching! I seriously missed my students during the break. I was very excited to see them! I checked the weather forecast before I left for work and saw that it was supposed to rain all day, but there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Still, I decided to take the subway and then transfer to the bus, just in case. I had a fabulous day at work and hopped back on the bus for a quick ride to the subway station; I was grateful I opted for public transportation, as it had begun to pour rain a few hours earlier.

However, as I passed the ticket machines, I noticed a lot of people just standing by the gates instead of hurrying through them like usual and I saw something scrolling across the TV in red, Japanese characters (which I’m sure would have been valuable to me if I could have read it...). I obediently stood in place for a few minutes and then decided to try to figure out why no one was going anywhere. I couldn’t find anyone in the crowd that spoke more than a couple words of English, but I eventually gathered enough from gestures, sound effects, and broken English/Japanese phrases to conclude that there had been some sort of crash at my stop and no subway trains would be running for the next hour or so. I’ve heard that (though awful) it is a relatively regular occurrence to have trains delayed due to suicides and unfortunately, this is probably a very likely explanation as to what happened--but I’ll never really know.

I was surprised to hear about the long delay and still see so many still people standing patiently, but I decided that I would prefer a walk in the rain than at least an hour underground. Smiling to myself as I hopped over a puddle in the sidewalk, I remembered thinking during my morning commute that I enjoy the physical activity of biking much more than standing in a bus or subway and decided that God was just trying to let me know that He heard me by still finding a way for me to get that physical activity in my day—I bet He enjoyed His creative answer to that little prayer! ;-) I haven’t walked home from work yet, as it takes almost two hours to do so, but I immediately noticed several small miracles that added up to a quite enjoyable walk home.

First, I wanted to wear a pencil skirt and heels to work today, but decided last-minute to wear pants to work and then change into my skirt once I got there (which I normally only do when biking). After work, I changed back into my pants to head home. I also put back my heels this morning and grabbed a pair of flats on my way out the door. I forgot my umbrella at my apartment, but had an extra at my school that I grabbed on my way out the door from the school. Also, I was looking forward to straightening my hair today (I rarely straighten my hair here because the humidity usually forces it into curls anyway), but I accidentally overslept a bit and didn’t have time, so I let it dry curly. Another huge blessing was that even though it was pouring rain, today was one of the warmest days it’s been since I got to Japan. Isn’t it interesting how all of these factors point toward God preparing me for a nice walk in the rain on my way home? Also, I felt very lucky to realize that the mishap with the subway occurred on my way home from work, rather than during my morning commute to work, which would have been much more stressful and problematic.

Of course, the biggest blessing of all is that I wasn’t on the subway when it crashed. Again, I have no idea what happened, how severe it was, or when exactly it took place, but most people I’ve talked to here say that most subway accidents (or suicide situations) are resolved within about 20-30 minutes, so for the delay to be a full hour, I’m assuming two things: first, that it was a pretty significant crash, and second, that it occurred relatively soon before I arrived at the station. Another “coincidence” that realistically had nothing to do with chance was that I had actually finished up with work about an hour earlier than normal. I didn’t have a final class today and was ahead on my lesson plans, so I could have left the school at any moment the preceding hour. I even wanted to hurry home, but I had the distinct thought come into my mind, “Not yet.” I didn’t even notice it as any sort of impression or instruction; I just thought to myself, “Not yet” and decided to stay a little longer to finish up a couple things that could have waited...

Obviously, there are many aspects of this situation that I don’t know...but here is what I do know: I know that things will go wrong every single day. I know that it can be frustrating to hit every single red light on a morning commute when you’re already running late, and I know that sometimes we get discouraged about the cards we’ve been dealt, so to speak. Still, days like today remind me that sometimes the biggest blessings in our lives are the very same instances that we may be automatically inclined to murmur the most about. I know I could have been upset that I had to walk so long in the pouring rain and maybe I wouldn’t have been anywhere near the accident if I left work on time anyway—but there were just too many obvious blessings and miracles leading to that point in my day to be overlooked. These miracles are not always so vivid--but what if we looked at whatever is going on in our lives from a different perspective? What if that red light you hit set you back a few minutes on your way to work, but it also kept you from being at the exact location where a devastating car accident would have otherwise taken place?

I guess the bottom line is just that we never really know the full story...but even if we did know, none of us have the power to change it...and even if we could change it, assuming we really knew the end, would we want to anyway? I absolutely believe that everything will work out exactly how it is supposed to in our lives. Every day is a beautiful opportunity to witness another miracle around us; we just have to open our eyes to these precious, daily occurrences...because they do happen every single day. We can hide from the storms or we can dance in the rain, but the choice is ours...and tonight, I feel like dancing. :-)

Atagobashi Bridge in the rain! I cross this beautiful bridge every day on my way to and from work.

journal entry #10 - a belated update!

Sunday May 2, 2010 10:00pm JST

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad! Today marks 33 years of wedded bliss for my parents, whoa! I definitely have to express the respect I have for my parents and the strength of their marriage when I look back on the 23 years that I’ve been in their lives and recall many of the complications and curve balls life has thrown their way. Even though I realize that I only observed and understood a tiny fraction of all that occurred, I can say that I watched my parents overcome countless obstacles with mutual love, respect, support, and patience. They have taught me a lot about love, about life, and have given me hope that two people really can make it together in this chaotic world of broken promises, empty vows, and selfish indulgence. Despite my numerous protests and grossed-out faces as a child when I saw my parents kissing or flirting in front of me, it actually made me happy to know that they could still be so playful and openly in love in their “old age.” I think it’s pretty impressive that my parents have spent more of their lives together by now than they ever did without each other. After all this time, despite all the trials, and through all the years, I’m amazed that two people can still love each other so much, let alone even like each other! Thank you, Mom and Dad, for your example, your love, and the hope your marriage offers to the next generation.

On a completely unrelated note, I thought I’d offer an update as to my status in Japan and details concerning my current accommodations, as promised in my last entry. Well, it’s been a very complicated process and relaying it all would turn into a very long story, but the final result is that I have moved out of Hosoisan’s home and into a “Guesthouse.” The Guesthouse is basically a once-college-dorm-now-apartment building and there are about 30 residents here that rotate periodically. Most apartments require a contract of at least one year, but the Guesthouse leases rooms for as little as one month, so most people here are foreigners that are visiting Japan for a short period of time. We all have a private bedroom that is about 10 square meters, but we share a kitchen, lounge room, laundry room, and shower area...one room for the boys, and one for the girls. There is also one bathroom on each floor (no outlets, mirrors, or sinks... ha ha). Ha ha it’s quite a bit like my freshman year at Westminster College...except that this time I have to walk down two flights of stairs to shower instead of down the hall.

It isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I imagined living in Japan (ok, so not even close to what I imagined), but I’ve pretty much adjusted to the new environment and have found a lot of things I really enjoy about living here. The biggest perk about the Guesthouse is that it's a virtually move-in ready apartment and amenities like heat, water, and laundry costs are included in the monthly rent--so even though the bill is pretty comparable to what I would pay in a private apartment, I only have to worry about one bill from my landlord each month. Unfortunately, it is almost twice as far from Miyagi First High School than I was before, where I spend the majority of my time during the week.

Most of the residents here are students or people near my age that are passing through Japan and although I haven’t met any Americans yet, almost everyone speaks some degree of English and has been very kind and welcoming. Also, I quickly learned how to get to and from my schools by bus, train, and bike and I’ve navigated my way through the neighboring areas well enough to know where to go for groceries, clothes, household items, and other basic needs. Happily, I have finally unpacked ALL of my bags and everything now has a proper home! It took a couple weeks to get settled in, organized, and find closet rods that wouldn’t buckle under the weight of my significantly-reduced wardrobe, but my work is finally done! My clothes, shoes, and personal paraphernalia are finally folded, hung, and properly stored away according to style, season, and color...ohh yeah. :-D

Also, I am completely settled into my schools and I absolutely love my job. I teach high school freshmen at Miyagi First High School four days a week and then I work at Nishitaga Special Needs School once a week. Miyagi First is the highest-achieving school in Miyagi Prefecture (a Prefecture is like a state—ex: I live in Sendai, Miyagi) and it's difficult for students to get accepted to go there. I thoroughly enjoy working with the students and faculty at Miyagi First because it is a challenging, professional, and organized atmosphere – which I LOVE. However, the teachers are still extremely friendly and they have great relationships with their students – which is inspiring. The students are bright and fun, but most are very shy to speak English. I really like the challenge teaching gives me to be flexible, creative, and engaging, while still working to build the confidence level of all of my students as their proficiency in the English language increases. I can already see why so many people become teachers, despite being overworked and underpaid. It is incredibly rewarding to teach, to watch the light switch on in the mind and face of a child as he or she realizes what you are trying to get across, and he or she finally “gets it.” That moment, that satisfaction, is precious.

Nishitaga Special Needs School is the complete opposite of Miyagi First, yet it is every bit as rewarding and enjoyable. As the name of the school suggests, Nishitaga students all have some sort of special need, though the severity and circumstances vary with each child. There, I work with a very wide range of students—I teach elementary to high school children and some of my students have physical handicaps, some have mental disabilities, some have both, some are very subtle, and some are incredibly extreme. I even have one darling student named Hiroshi who participates in class each day via Skype from his hospital bed; he is learning English but he can’t even move, eat, or speak Japanese on his own. He responds to questions with clicks of his tongue, blinks, or computer-generated responses and he actually understands the material. It’s a miracle every single day. My classes at Nishitaga typically have 5 or fewer students, whereas my typical classes at Miyagi First hold between 35 and 45. Also, Miyagi First used to be an all-girls school and this is the first year that it is all co-ed, so my students are predominately female. At Nishitaga, however, I work exclusively with boys.

I could seriously go on and on about my schools, my students, and my coworkers, but this entry is quickly turning into a novel and I feel like I haven’t even skimmed the surface of all I wanted to say. Ultimately, it comes down to this: although Miyagi First and Nishitaga seem to oppose each other on the academic spectrum in just about every way possible, they each offer me the same, incredible experience. At both schools, I am falling more in love with my students every single day. At both schools, I am in humble admiration of the staff around me, of the students before me, and of the God that surrounds it all. Even though circumstances beyond my control have tossed me around and led me to unexpected ground, I am happy, blessed, and safe. I am grateful that everything has come together the way it has and I know that it’s only going to continue to progress from here. I am thrilled for the future; I know it’s going to be absolutely amazing!

journal entry #9 - serenity...now? (for all you seinfeld fans)

May 1, 2010 11:00 pm JST

What a ride this past month has been...I wish I could take the time and space to pen even the smallest details of my experiences in this beautiful country, but I feel like it would be a never-ending task. As I begin to describe one day, one event, or just one moment, my mind and heart stir with influxes of related thoughts and feelings linked to other stories...and I fear that an attempt to encapsulate these things would only result in a meddled web of anecdotes and half-told tangents.

I wish I could offer a day-by-day account of all that’s taken place, but every time I sit to catch up on the events since my last journal entry, I am overwhelmed by how much has happened that I am not even sure where to begin. Instead, I feel like I have developed overall impressions of Japan, myself, and general life-truths through my daily experiences, and I would like to share my thoughts on these subjects, while simultaneously including relevant stories and event details that have occurred thus far in this incredible, Asian adventure of mine.

Still, I know I need to include some sort of update concerning my housing, work situation, and well-being, considering the unanswered questions that have likely developed from my previous entries...but tonight my heart is full with other thoughts that have been idly stirring for some time. I promise that soon I will write an update about my work, my accommodations, and so forth, but for now, I ask for your patience as I share some feelings that are more relevant to my heart than my physical address or work schedule.

Let me just say this: Never in my life have I been so aware of God’s miraculous omnipresence, of my own limitations and abilities, and of precious and universal truths that have been brought to the forefront of my mind. I am in love with this life...what a gift it is for us to wake up each morning and partake in the blessings permeating this beautiful world around us! Nothing about this adventure has turned out the way I thought it would and the conditions of my life at this time are not at all what I thought they would be five years ago, one year ago, or even two months ago. I think I became so caught up in the routine of daily life that I actually began to expect things to happen the way I had prepared for them to happen. I was under the false assumption that my own decisions, actions, and goals would determine the details of my future—but I am learning now that I never had control of those factors in my life.

I stumbled across a saying several years ago called the Serenity Prayer (by Reinhold Niebuhr) and was impressed by its words, but I feel like they have taken on a new meaning for me in the last five weeks. The prayer implores, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” I don’t even know what it is I thought I could change before, but I am discovering in Japan that all I really can control is myself. Anything beyond me lies within the agency of others and the agenda of God. I can decide how to react to what occurs in my life, and I can prepare myself for whatever may take place, but being prepared and adaptable are very different than being in control.

With my very limited understanding of the present and completely absent comprehension of what is to come in the future, I am surprisingly comforted to accept that the events of my life and my personal anticipation of those events have no impact on each other. I am not saying that life is mere chance, nor am I absolving accountability for the consequences of my choices. Rather, I am simply more aware now than ever before of the difference between exerting control over myself and anticipating control over factors that are beyond my capacities.

I will strive every day to be a better person than I was the day before, to be happier, more loving, more knowledgeable, and more in-tune with the Lord. I know that every event of my life has a purpose; I know that there is a divine reason behind every change, every trial, and every moment...I just pray that I will be strong enough to seek the eternal blessings that lay beyond the temporal limitations of my callow understanding. Ultimately, I know that I am being strengthened, molded, and prepared for an incredible future. This life is miraculous and I’m determined to seek the miracles. Thank you all for your faith in me as I learn along the way.