happy birthday mom and casey!

Happy birthday to my momma and baby brother today! I LOVE YOU!

I feel like I’ve been running around at a million miles a minute for several months now and last week it started taking its toll on my immune system. I’ve been feeling the beginning stages of a cold for some time but have been trying to fight it off with extra vitamins and a raw determination not to get sick. Ha ha. Well, it worked for a while! Then, I started getting a scratchy throat and deep earaches last Wednesday and it’s steadily progressed until it hit me full force this weekend. My chronic sinus problems have flared up again and I have an intense head cold to complicate things. Ugh. I hate being sick! In all fairness though, I don’t think anyone particularly enjoys feeling as if your head’s been stuck in an ever-tightening vice or as though someone has clawed the inside of your throat. My voice has been deteriorating since last Thursday and as of Saturday night, I lost it entirely. Ha ha ha I still can’t make a sound above a scratchy whisper... !

Luckily for me, I didn’t have classes today and so I’ve spent a lot of time sitting down, drinking hot honey-water, and hunting for cold and sinus medicine. I can’t believe it, but I might actually call in sick in the morning, as well. This will be a first for me if I do and although I would like to optimistically declare my assurance that I’ll be in perfect order come morning, I’m guessing from my lack of progress so far that I won’t be going anywhere just yet. Also, tomorrow is the day I go to my special needs school and I’m particularly worried about their delicate health and even though I doubt anything I have is still contagious at this point, I don’t want to risk spreading anything to my students there.

On the plus side, I guess getting whacked in the head with a cold from hell has given me the perfect chance to sit down and update my blog... :-)

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and much of it has to do with the time I have left before the school year draws to a close... Now, if I can just form some thoughts coherently enough, maybe I can share them with you... I apologize in advance if this post ends up even more discombobulated than the rest!

Anyway, the Japanese school year is very different from the traditional school schedule in the States and so, here, the school year is almost over! Classes begin at the beginning of April and there are short breaks periodically throughout the year, but no equivalent to the Western “summer vacation.” Another difference from Western school that I was surprised to learn is that, at least at Miyagi First, seniors are pretty much done for the year by February. They have to take rigorous entrance examinations for college admission, but there aren’t actual classes for them. Already the girls come for morning class and then have the afternoons free to study for their exams every day—soon they will have no formal classes at all. Then, graduation is on March 1 and they are out of school entirely until college begins in the fall!

I’ve been helping several senior girls since last fall as they’ve been preparing for their entrance exams and it’s kept me pretty busy at work so far, but I really love it. I shared some of their essays on my blog a few months ago, but I just keep getting blown away by these girls and I absolutely love working with them one-on-one to improve their writing and speaking skills. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I have my prep periods and lunch periods all to myself again—when I don’t walk up to my desk to find another essay waiting for me to check! The essay subjects and student opinions contained therein have been vastly different from one another and I’ve read students’ personal views on birth order, racism, sexism, globalization, protecting the environment, the value and danger in cultural pride, and so much more. I’ve squealed excitedly with some students as they’ve gotten accepted into the colleges of their dreams and wiped away the tears of others as they’ve come to me with letters of denial. I’ve felt the joy of watching hard work pay off with some and felt the burning vengeance of a mother when I’ve seen other students get passed over because of dirty academic politics and unfair systems. I cannot express how badly I want these girls to succeed. They come to me with complete faith in my ability to help them and I feel the incredible weight of that faith—I don’t want to let them down just as much as they don’t want to let me down.

It is going to be so hard for me to say good-bye to these girls when they graduate!! Ack! I’m participating in the graduation ceremony to be held on March 1 and I’m really excited for it on one hand, but on the other hand, I’m dreading the day because I know it’ll be the last time I’ll ever see a lot of these girls. I can’t believe it’s only a month away! I’ve told them all that if they ever come to the States that they have a place to sleep in my home and I mean it. I’m awful at good-byes and the only way I handle them is by telling myself that they aren’t ever really permanent, so I’m just going to cling to the hope that someday each of these girls will have the chance to come visit me; then maybe some of you can meet them!! :-)

As far as my regular classes with the sophomores go, I’m almost done there, too! Since I teach an oral communication class that’s outside of the standard Japanese school curriculum, students don’t have the traditional finals for my course that they have for other subjects like history and science. Therefore, I will stop teaching by the beginning of March as well and my students will concentrate on preparing for their core exams. I’m almost done with the textbook and I have a few “special” lessons planned for February, but that’s about it. I’m going to have SO much spare time in March that I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself! Ha ha ha maybe I’ll actually maintain my blog regularly then...? Maybe...

Anyway, I just want to say how grateful I am for my job. I genuinely love my work...I love seeing my students’ faces every day and I am always seeking ways to be a better and more effective teacher. To be honest, I was really hesitant when I learned that I would be teaching high-school students. Teenagers? All day? Seriously? I vividly remember high school and although I had a blast as a student, I have no idea how all my teachers survived us. I think about all the spoiled, 16 year-old divas and the arrogant, punk boys trying to prove themselves and it sends my head spinning. I really think I lucked out to get the best students in the world. Of course I have class clowns and those that would rather pull out their own teeth than study English, but it’s been a great challenge for me to try to reach out to those that think they are beyond the bounds of learning.

For example, there is this one boy in my classes— his name is Nao. At the beginning of the year, Nao was always one of the first to raise his hand and he was clearly a good English student. Soon enough though, I saw him begin to fade out. His particular class has a lot of the “cool” kids (it’s interesting to observe the universality of these dynamics, by the way) and many of them clearly felt that English was “uncool.” Soon, I had to call on him to get an answer and sometimes, after looking quickly around at his classmates, he would suddenly look down and give me a wrong answer or act like he didn’t know—but I knew he knew. I stopped giving him public attention because I saw very quickly that he was only withdrawing to gain acceptance from his peers. I didn’t want to encourage this, so I directed my attention to the outgoing students that genuinely did struggle with English and helped them feel comfortable in my classroom with participating and actually trying to learn. In the meantime, I still made a point to praise Nao and check his work, but I did so quietly, while the class’s attention was focused on group projects or individual work so that he wouldn’t feel targeted. I would stop by Nao’s desk, as I try to do with every student, and I would make sure to compliment something he did well or point out a right answer he marked in his book.

Over time and after a lot of conditioning, the students’ attitudes toward English began to change and now his class is one of my most enthusiastic classes. Even the “cool” kids like to volunteer when I ask for help and they hassle each other for giving wrong answers. Nao has opened up again and it feels so good to see his smile after he’s answered a question correctly in front of his classmates. The truth is that these kids just want to be accepted. They, like all of us, want to feel like they belong. Sometimes they, like all of us, seek approval from the wrong people and end up lowering their standards to impress people they don’t actually like. Ultimately though, they want to be good! They want to learn; they want to do well and, believe it or not, they want to contribute to the classroom. My responsibility as their teacher is to create an atmosphere that allows them to do that. I want all my students to know that they can answer questions without fear of ridicule from me or their classmates. I encourage participation and welcome any effort—and I praise...a lot, especially when they genuinely try but make mistakes.

It’s hard to be a teacher and see students withdrawing from something I KNOW they are capable of learning because they don’t believe in themselves, but it’s absolutely incredible to see that processed reversed. I have so much more respect for my old teachers now and I have learned a ton about myself because of this job.

I’ve learned that I care. A lot. And sometimes this makes life really hard for me—because I get deeply attached very quickly—but it’s also been a great strength for me because I know that my students can tell how much I care about them...and they really respond to that. I can see in their eyes that they want me to be proud of them, that they brighten with my praise and that they need to feel special and individually recognized. I’ve also learned that people will often rise or stoop to what they feel is expected of them. I’ve learned that it’s possible to love teenagers and that it’s possible to intimately connect with others despite staggering barriers of culture and language.

I’ve learned that I have to be passionate about what I do. If my whole heart isn’t invested in something, I can’t do it, even if it’s convenient for me or expected of me. On the other hand, if my whole heart IS invested in something, it doesn’t matter how many obstacles smack me in the face or knock me off my course, I can, and will, stick it out because I’ll want to see it through. Despite the challenges that have come my way in the past 10 months, I have been blown away by the unending stream of blessings bestowed upon me. This is because my heart has longed for everything that living in Japan has given me. I have been able to devote myself to my work out here and that has resulted in more peace and satisfaction with my job than I ever anticipated. It’s hard! Most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m making it up as I go, rolling with the punches and trying to make the most out of the chaos, but I’ve learned to laugh at my mistakes, recognize my weaknesses, and get down on my knees to thank the Lord for all of it anyway. My goodness, what a beautiful ride it has turned out to be.

home sweet home

I would love to go to bed early but I’m pretty sure that if I don’t take the time to write this now, it’s not going to happen. I am home from vacations and camps and “real life” resumes in the morning. Actually, I am baffled when I think that my last entry was written close to a month ago because it was the last thing I did before I set off for my vacation and it was only this morning that I put away the last of my freshly-cleaned clothes and stored away my suitcase again! It is so good to be home. I have missed Sendai--even if it's below freezing. I am exhausted from my travels but, wow, I had a GREAT time!

Well, not ALL of it was great. I had a few mishaps...

First, the train I had to take to get to my night bus was delayed by snow for almost an hour and I nearly missed my bus. Thankfully, I made it just before the bus pulled away. Then, I must have dropped my iPod on the bus at some point because when I stepped into the Osaka station the next morning, I realized that my iPod was no where to be seen. However, I was able to call a friend from Sendai and reported my iPod missing to the bus company. They found it and held it for me at their station! My friend picked it up and held onto it for me until I got back home. I cannot describe how relieved I was to hear this awesome news! The next week and a half went along without any additional major hang-ups and I visited some of the most beautiful and interesting places I’ve seen yet in Japan. Then, I headed to Tokyo to meet up with a different set of friends for the New Year.

On my way to Tokyo, I had to take the local train from Nara (a trip that should have taken about eight hours but ended up taking twelve) and was again delayed by the snow—this time for almost two hours. Because I was taking local trains, I also had to switch trains about ten times and usually had between three or four minutes to switch platforms and board a different train. Because of the delay, I had to take all new trains (not the ones I had written down in advance), so I had to ask for my next stop as I went and pray that it all came together (which it did!). In the confusion, I must have dropped my phone because I realized with horror on one train that my cell phone was no longer with me. The trains were packed though, so I huddled against all the other passengers and tried to think of a plan. I didn’t know where my hotel was located in Tokyo and didn’t have any of the cell phone numbers memorized of my friends. I keep these details in my iPod as a back-up but, of course, my iPod was the first item to go missing on my trip. I soothed myself with the assurance that there would be a public computer somewhere that I could use to e-mail them, as is the case in most large train stations here.

I finally got to the Tokyo station and went straight to the Information Center. It was closed! I went to the ticket counter to ask for help and glanced up at a sign that said, “Baggage.” My stomach dropped—my bag! I had to buy another bag in Kyoto because of all the souvenirs I was finding for family and friends back home. I had an entire bag I had filled with gifts I found along the way and threw in some other personal items like my towel, jewelry, and what-not... I realized once I saw this sign that I did not have my bag with me. I recalled that on one of the trains, a railway employee had lifted my bag onto the overhead storage area and on the way off the train, I grabbed my backpack, suitcase, and purse—completely spacing the bag I had added to my load along the way.

I almost started to cry. I was directed back up to the train tracks, where I was told there would be a conductor station with a lost and found. If my bag was on the train and a conductor saw it, he would have put it in this station. I lugged all my luggage back to the platform and found the station, but no one inside spoke much English. In fact, they were annoyed by my questions and ordered me out of the station, crossing their arms and telling me, “No!” At this point I was frustrated and quite overwhelmed. I helplessly stood back in line at the ticket office downstairs, not sure where else I could go, but again, the people were far from helpful and simply told me that the help desk was closed and that there was no where I could go to use public Internet or contact anyone. I asked if anyone was at least familiar with my hotel so that I could find my friends and re-work a plan from there. They didn’t even feign interest in helping me—they shooed me off and I stood in the middle of the Tokyo Station with my luggage and no idea where to go or how to get ahold of anyone. At this point, I had been wondering the station for well over an hour and was no closer to knowing what to do than when I entered it.

By then, I could barely fight back the tears pushing their way to the surface. I didn’t know what else to do other than try again and again for help until I could find someone willing to help me. Finally, a subway employee at a check-out gate said she thought she knew the hotel I mentioned. She didn’t know how to get there, but she knew the subway station I needed to find and what subway exit I needed to take. She said she thought the hotel would be close from there. I was so inexplicably thankful for her help that I set off immediately toward where she hoped I needed to go. Her guess was better than mine! I got to the station and searched for the exit, only to find that the exit number didn’t exist! My heart sank again and tears rushed to my eyes but I didn’t have time to cry—I had to find my hotel and hope that my friends were still there. It was New Year’s Eve and I didn’t want to spend it sobbing in a subway station, so I got out of the exit closest to what I was looking for and walked until I somehow found the hotel. I checked in, opened the door, heard my friends’ voices on the other side of the room, and dropped my bags right there. I literally fell to the floor at the sight of them and couldn’t hold back my tears any longer—I don’t know if they were from frustration or gratitude at that point, but I think it was a combination of both. I explained to them what had happened and why I was so late.

Of course, they were understanding and patient and wonderful, but I didn’t want to waste more of their time by crying or stressing over what couldn’t be changed that night—I would have to wait until morning to contact the train company and my cell phone company. In the meantime, 2010 was going to be over in about four hours and I really, really didn’t want to let the year close in tears. I rented a towel from the hotel and we all rushed to get ready for the big night. In fact, we headed out the door so quickly that we didn’t even take pictures before we left!

I’ve been told that Tokyo is the hottest spot in the world for New Year’s, but I don’t think the rating system applies for Mormons... :-). We had a fun night but most of the fun was because I was with loved ones and feeling very, very grateful to the Lord that I had been directed to them. Still, New Year’s is New Year’s. No matter where you are in the world, it is a night of people getting so drunk they don’t remember the holiday anyway and is bombarded with loud, dirty, and overpriced clubs, slimy men, and way too much hype for a night that boils down to nothing beyond a 10-second countdown. My favorite part of the New Year’s celebration was when we deviated from the Western celebrations and went to a Buddhist temple in Tokyo to celebrate with the locals. Beginning at midnight, the temples ring bells 108 times to symbolize the 108 human sins in Buddhist belief, and to get rid of the 108 worldly desires regarding sense and feeling in every Japanese citizen. I really, really loved this part of the night. We wandered through the temple grounds and I was amazed by how many people were there. It was packed! Eventually, we made our way back to the heart of the city in the early morning and set out looking for a club that is supposed to be one of the hottest clubs in the entire world. We got terribly lost and wandered the streets for hours, but FINALLY found it. Dancing with friends to great music? Fun! Sticky, stinky rooms with way too many drunk people also trying to see the hottest club in the world? Not fun. We made it home after 6:00 the next morning and I don’t think my feet have ever hurt so bad in my entire life. Ha ha. That’s what I get for wearing heels in Tokyo, I know, but I couldn’t go out for New Year’s and not wear heels...so it was worth the pain...almost... :-D It was definitely a New Year’s I’ll never forget; that’s for sure!

Cultures collide--at the Buddhist Temple with the Tokyo Tower in the background.

I made it through the rest of my time in Tokyo without losing anything else and finally made it home the morning of the 10th of January. I felt a huge surge of relief to know that my bad luck was finally behind me and was excited to see the Christmas/birthday presents sent from my family while I was gone. However, instead of seeing my packages when I got home, I found delivery notices from the post office, stating that they were holding my boxes and to contact them for redelivery. Thankfully, my landlord was around to call for me, as I obviously had no phone. Much to my dismay, I learned that the post office had held my packages until the 9th of January but that they were no longer there...they had just been reposted BACK to America... !

It is expensive to ship anything from the States to Japan and I don’t know how much money my family spent to send me what they did, but I’m sure it was an outrageous price and a substantially sized package. I feel terrible for all their wasted money and at this point told them not to resend any of it—I love and appreciate their efforts, but the cost it would take to send everything AGAIN (plus whatever they get charged from Japan for having everything sent back to them) would be absolutely ridiculous. What a mess!!

Thankfully though, I had previously asked my sister to send me some American treats and items for my English Camp and her package arrived without any problems. I wanted the students to have a “taste” of America, so I gave each of them a Blow Pop sucker, a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, and a mixed CD I compiled of American music. Burning the CD was a total headache because of DMR restrictions from iTunes (of which I was previously unaware), and took hours to sort out. Sure enough though, the Lord stepped in and everything came together just in time for my camp!

Last day of English Camp with some students/co-teachers. SO much fun!

I wish I could talk in greater depth about each of the places I visited on my vacation and talk ALL about English Camp! Maybe I’ll go into more detail another time because there is a lot that happened that I would like to share. All in all, there were definite mishaps...but so life goes! Still, there were also blessings—huge blessings—and the Lord was definitely with me every step of the way. I saw incredible places, met amazing people, and had precious experiences that will stay with me forever. I’ll openly admit to getting discouraged and frustrated by the hassles that seemed to be overwhelming me at times, but I can thankfully say that those moments were temporary and that they soon turned into blessings and opportunities. Phones can be replaced, souvenirs can be repurchased, and packages can be reshipped, if necessary. None of these things are worth losing faith or happiness. In all reality, if I had to choose an electronic device to lose on my travels, it absolutely would have been my phone anyway. I’m SO grateful it was not my camera. I don’t have the souvenirs, but I have thousands of pictures that are much more precious to me. I’m sorry to all of you that won’t get the same souvenirs I originally planned, but I’ll still try to find you something you’ll like from where I can. In the meantime, I hope you will be satisfied as I share with you my pictures, my stories, and intimate reflections of my journey abroad.

I guess that my experiences on this trip could be seen as a foreshadowing of what I should expect in the coming year. There will be laughter but there will surely be tears as well. I know that sometimes everything will come together perfectly and other times I’ll feel as if everything is slipping through my fingers. I will experience joy, fear, sadness, frustration, relief, and gratitude. I will lose things that are precious to me but I will also discover new blessings that I hadn’t even anticipated. I know there will be times that I am surrounded by loved ones as well as times that I feel helplessly alone and unsure of where to go. All of this and so much more is sure to be manifested as the year unfolds. Ultimately, I don’t know what 2011 has in store for me but I do know this: it’s going to be remarkable. As I face every single day, I hope to remind myself of this simple and profound prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Welcome to 2011!