decisions, decisions... decision MADE

A dear friend recently told me that life is like a computer game from the ‘80s called “Frogger.” The purpose of this game is to control the little frog and get him across a busy street without getting hit by a car. Next, you must get him across a river without falling off moving logs, and eventually get him safely home to his lily pad. It’s a pretty fun game. :-)

The part that struck me was when he said, “You always want to move forward, but sometimes that way is death. So you have to move sideways or even backup to find an opening to get through. I’ve found that this often holds true in life. Sometimes a step backwards opens up the path ahead.”

I’m learning the truth of this lesson...in Frogger as well as in life.

Last December, I admitted in a post that I was thinking about extending my contract—something I had no intention of doing when I originally decided to come here. I knew finances would be tight if I stayed, but I also knew deep down that my budget wasn’t as big of a factor as my head made it out to be and that I wouldn’t regret a decision like this simply because I had to watch my spending more closely. On the other hand, I didn’t want to unnecessarily stir the pot by talking openly about deciding to stay and I wanted to alleviate as much [internal and external] pressure as possible from the process because I didn’t want to make a decision for the wrong reasons...so I didn’t talk/think about it very openly. Before I left on my winter vacation, however, I felt certain that I would extend.

I thought a lot about how quickly time was passing and I worried that I’d be cutting my experience short here by only staying a year. I’ve tried making the most out of every day, but I still wondered if I would regret leaving after just one year. I thought about the places I wanted to travel, cultural celebrations I wanted to attend, and experiences I wanted to have. I wondered if people here would be hurt that I was ready to leave so soon. In fact, I see now that I was even scared of going home. I’ve learned valuable lessons and implemented some much-needed changes in my life since coming to Japan. I’ve established a comfortable, rewarding, and consistent routine in Sendai. The idea of returning to the chaos of everyday life in the States—real life—troubled me. Would I fall back into old habits, standards, and relationships? Would this inner contentment I’ve developed somehow disappear with all the demands and expectations of those around me? The idea of more time in Japan was comforting because it allowed me to learn more out here, enjoy my job a little longer, and I’ll admit that it bought me some more time to come to terms with returning home...

While I was traveling this winter, I was shocked to find that my feelings were changing again. I wasn’t even consciously aware of the changes and wasn’t trying to reach any sort of decision about work. I was just enjoying my vacation! Still, by the end of my travels, I felt a sort of unexpected release of an internal pressure I had put on myself to stay in Japan. I came home to Sendai and was thrilled to be back! Even so, I was surprised to find that the idea of coming home didn’t scare me anymore. I felt peaceful about all I had experienced here and while I knew there would be more to experience, I realized that I would never be “done” experiencing Japan—even if I lived here my whole life. I was surprised that I didn’t feel obligated to stay in Japan but I didn’t feel guilty about going home, either.

I let this marinate for a while.

In short, I concluded that this change meant that it was time to come home. I began talking to loved ones about a potential change in my plans and this is when I decided to come home in the spring. Interestingly, I didn’t talk about these “decisions” on my blog. I didn’t want to chain myself to a decision and while I know that a blog post is not a legally-binding publication, I didn’t want to talk openly about something as though it were a firm decision until I actually knew I was going to follow through with it.

So, once again, my plans changed. I decided that although I love Japan, going home would allow me to get started on fulfilling my other dreams, too. I want to look into graduate programs, I'd seriously love moving to Chile to work and learn Spanish, and I’d like to get back to “real life” with my family and friends. My heart is even ready to accept and embrace love... It’s been a while since I could say that.

I decided that although this has been fun and rewarding in so many ways, I had nothing to fear about returning to the States. The thought of leaving my students and leaving Sendai still pulled achingly at my heart, but I realized that such feelings wouldn’t suddenly diminish by staying in Japan for another semester. In fact, it may be harder to walk away after another semester of strengthening ties to the life I’ve been building here.

One of the most seemingly absurd reasons for being excited to return to the States is anticipation of my summer vacation! Every summer, my family goes to our cabin in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Coeur d’Alene Lake is my favorite place on earth. It is my sanctuary and vacations there with my family are indescribably precious to me. Missing the Lake this last summer was harder for me than missing Christmas...I can’t explain this crazy reasoning to anyone that hasn’t been with me at the Lake, but anyone that has been there seems to gain an understanding of the central role this summer tradition plays in my life. One of my best friends (who also happens to be my oldest brother) told me that he was thinking of going to the cabin for a full month this year and that pretty much solidified my decision. A month at my favorite place in the world with nothing to do but go boating, relax in the sun, cook over a bonfire, and spend time with Ryan? Sold. It made me sad to think of leaving my students and friends here, but the anxiety of returning home was gone—which meant it was time to come home, right? I was even feeling progressively excited about getting started on this next phase of my life.

Then, last week, Ryan and I were talking again on Skype we began discussing our plans for when I got home. I suddenly realized that I had no plans...! ha ha I had been unsure for so long whether or not I’d be returning in the spring that I hadn’t gone forward with any plans for school, work, or anything else. All I really knew was that I wanted to see my loved ones and spend my summer in Coeur d’Alene! While talking to Ryan though, it hit me that I haven’t contacted a single professional reference. I haven’t applied to any graduate schools (let alone decided for sure on a program) and I haven’t considered what I’d do from the time I got home until I left for the Lake.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned to wing it out here and have actually grown to prefer knowing how little I can actually control my life. I’ve come to depend on my Heavenly Father to let everything fall into place and I’ve begun focusing on the bite-sized pieces of progress and decision-making that I can accomplish day by day. Nevertheless, there is a difference between being flexible and being reckless. Realistically, there were a few glaring facts flashing at me [in Vegas-style neon lighting] during all this, but I was so caught up watching my feet make their baby steps that I didn’t notice the signs.

Fact #1: America’s current economy blows. I have no idea how quickly I’ll be able to secure a job again. Even if I do start working soon after I get back to the States, it wouldn’t be professional, or probably even possible, to take my trip to the Lake so quickly after getting hired. This means that, realistically, I probably wouldn’t look for/accept a position until August—after my trip to the Lake because, as ridiculous as it may seem, not going to the Lake this summer is not an option. This would mean that until July, I would be sitting on my hands, depleting my savings, and killing time...which would drive me crazy.

Fact #2: I can’t start graduate school until I’ve taken the GRE. I can’t take the GRE until I’ve studied for it. Even if I took the GRE this spring, I wouldn’t be able to start graduate school until next winter/spring semester anyway. Going home to start graduate school is a legitimate reason to return to the States, but returning in April wouldn’t actually get me started on this goal, either.

Fact #3: I’m in love... I love my work, my coworkers, my friends, and my community. I love this country, its quirks, and all the freedom living here has given me. Additionally, spring and early summer were my favorite seasons last year and I’ve often wondered what they’d be like to experience again. I’d also love to meet next year’s sophomores at Miyagi First and would love to more time with “my girls” from this year. However, I am still wary of my employer and am still subject to a substantial tax in April if I stay. It’d cut back significantly on how much I could save and would absolutely eliminate many travel opportunities in the coming months, but that really doesn’t matter to me anymore. It’s never been as big of a deal to me as my head tried telling me it was last winter. I can see this situation as working for a tiny salary or as getting paid to live in Japan. I prefer the latter. :-) Plus, making a little money here would still be a wiser financial decision than not making any money in the States while waiting until summer vacation...

Holy cow. Can you tell that I’ve spent a bit of time thinking about this? I sorta have this tendency to explore every potential option, as well as every hidden contingency associated with it, until I have overanalyzed myself into complete confusion...you’d think that thinking would lead to clarity, but sometimes I depend too much on logic.

It’s not that I have anything against logic. Logic is good.

I like listening to my head and making decisions rationally because I think there is a lot of value in objectively weighing the pros and cons to many decisions. I consider this to be a strength (and simultaneous fault) of my character. While I value logic, I also see this as a weakness in myself because I also believe the listening to one’s heart is critical. Whether or not a decision falls in line with logic, I believe that any decision out of harmony with the instinct of the heart is going to end in some sort of regret, resentment, or inner discord.

However, sometimes my head yells so loudly that I cannot hear what my heart is telling me. This is when it becomes problem. Also, sometimes my heart gets so ridiculously attached to something that my judgment is clouded and thereby terribly biased. This is not a good thing, either. I’ve come to understand that when my heart is attached, it is immutably connected to that attachment. I know that this tendency is also central to my character and have accepted that because for me to not be dedicated with all my heart to something would be denying so much of who I am and I could never be at perfect peace that way.

Even so, there are times I feel conflicting, but equally important, messages from my head and my heart. I may want something with my heart but still know in my head that it is wrong. I’ve held onto unhealthy habits and relationships because of this more times than I’m proud of admitting. Additionally, there have been times that I’ve reached a very logical conclusion about something that I have absolutely no interest in doing—even though I know it would be a “good” decision. The truth is that if my heart isn’t in it, it will only be a matter of time before I finally accept that I cannot continue with that decision. Experience has taught me without fail that if the discrepancy rests in my head wanting something my heart does not, my head will only win for a period of time. Eventually, it will weigh too heavily on my soul and I will have to change course.

This is when I have to rely on “my gut.”

Some call this human instinct, some say it’s women’s intuition, others say it’s divine direction. I happen to think it’s an intricate combination of these sources as well as others too ambiguous to categorize. Sometimes we just know something. It’s hard to tell if it’s our head, our heart, both, or neither, but there is a compelling wisdom within us that is irrefutable and every day I try to discover a way of tuning in to this inner voice because I trust it more than my head and, yes, more than my heart.

I think it goes without saying that the best-case scenario would be having my head, heart, and gut all in sync with each other...

Wouldn’t that be nice?

My head speaks boldly. It says: Going home without a job is definitely stupid. Staying in Japan isn’t the best financial decision you could make, but going home without a job is worse. If you go home, look for work immediately and don’t go on vacation with your family to the Lake this summer. Adjusting potential employment for a family vacation is outrageous. Which decision opens the most doors for accomplishing your future goals? Ultimately, you need to move forward—which decision allows you to make the most progress? (Apparently, my head missed the Frogger analogy.)

My heart is softer but harder to dismiss. It says: I’m so happy here... I don’t want to leave this yet. I’ve fallen in love with these students, this country, and the people here. But...I do miss my family and I miss my friends. I need to go to the Lake. I need to be there with family, tranquility, and sunlight. Oh, but Kari? Can I please be a mommy yet? Come back home. Fall hopelessly in love. Let me dedicate myself to building a family. How will this decision impact those I love? Will I hurt anyone by staying in Japan? By leaving? Either decision brings me closer to some people that I love but it also separates me from other people that I love. Either way, I will break a little. Be careful, please.

My gut/women's intuition/the Spirit is direct but encouraging. It says: you already know what to do, Karianne. You may not recognize it in your head or in your heart, but I’ve been trying to talk to you about this as simply as I can. Don’t make this more complicated than it is. Your head and heart aren’t actually even opposing each other. Listen again. Which decision allows you to satisfy both of these important parts of you—the parts you can actually have some degree of control over? There is an answer, Kari. Listen again. Trust yourself. Then, have the courage to follow through with the answer. Everything else will be OK.

My head, my heart, and my gut are all correct...and the truth is, they really aren’t at odds with each other, are they? The truth is that I’m not choosing between good and bad, righteous and evil, or life and death. I’m choosing between two good things. No matter what, a part of my heart will be torn—that’s because it’s attached to people and places that are far from each other. The truth is that I trust my gut... I do know which answer I yearn for most at this time in my life and deep down I know that I’ll have the courage to see it through.

Today I called that courage to action. Today I submitted the last of my paperwork to my boss to extend my contract for another semester of school. And you know what? Thinking about it now makes me smile. My heart and head and gut are at peace. I’m staying for another semester! Not because I feel obligated to be here. Not because I’m scared to go home. Because I want to, because I feel like this is the best decision for me right now, and most importantly, because it feels right in my head, in my heart, and in my gut.

Now I have a new plan. (It’s fun to see how long these last, isn’t it?) As of now, my plan—written in pencil, of course—is to stay in Japan until the semester ends next July. I plan to use this time to work, study, and prepare myself for the next phase of my life. I’ll study for the GRE, look into graduate schools, contact some of those professional references, and see what I can line up for when I return home. I plan to fly straight to the Lake in July and spend all the time I can with my family and loved ones there. I’ll be back to Utah in August.

I want to move forward. I want to draw closer to my Heavenly Father and I want to draw closer to my loved ones... I want to move forward in my life professionally, personally, and spiritually. To be honest, I don’t know if staying in Japan is a move forward. In some ways it could be seen as a side-step and in others it could even be seen as a step back. Still, I need to remember my friend’s counsel. I don’t need to be afraid of stepping back or carefully waiting where I am for the path to open that will lead me to where I want to go. If I'm stepping back in order to reach my dreams, not to hide from them, then isn't that still a step forward?

“You always want to move forward but sometimes that way is death. So you have to move sideways or even back up to find an opening to get through. I’ve found that this often holds true in life. Sometimes a step backwards opens up the path ahead. It’s easy to see that path from above like we do on Frogger. But we are all seeing the path from the frog’s point of view, which makes it far harder to see. So we must have faith that our heart/spirit will know the way.”

Putting my faith to the test... Deep breath in... Out... Go! :-)

vitamin c, setsubun, and all sorts of fun!

Monday February 7, 2011

So, I ended up calling in sick to work last week... Twice! That was a bummer. Luckily for me, I ended up having such a great end to my week that I hardly even remember spending the first four days of it in bed!

First of all, I just have to say how thankful I am for the amazing people that surround me. When I hobbled my way into the kitchen on Tuesday, my landlord tried talking with me but quickly discovered that I couldn't talk at all. When I made it back down the next night, she told me to wait for a moment and ran over to the refrigerator. Then, she pulled out a small plate and handed it to me saying, "Vitamin C, Vitamin C!" I looked at the plate to find two plump strawberries and a generous slice of fresh pineapple. Her kind eyes were shining with that selfless concern unique to mothers and my heart was overcome by her sweet gesture. What an inspiring woman.

When I was back at work on Thursday morning, I was surprised by how many people checked on me throughout the day just to make sure I was OK! Teachers offered to take over my classes, students stopped by in between class periods to ask how I was feeling, and the head of the English department told me that all my classes could be pushed back as much as I needed them to be! I didn't push back my classes, but I was touched by his genuine offer. Even my employer was pleasant with me when I had to call in sick! I couldn't believe it. I was wonderfully overwhelmed with graces and kindnesses.

Then, to make things even better, I got a call on Thursday morning from my dear friend Reina Tereshima. She is the mother of three precious children (Shoma, 13; Mei, 9; Kirumi, 1) and the Tereshimas have become my second-family in Japan. Apparently, Thursday was a holiday called Setsubun and Tereshima san wanted me to celebrate with her family! I probably “should” have graciously declined the invitation and gone home to rest, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wanted to see her family and I wanted to learn about and celebrate the holiday with them! As always, I had an amazing time with the family and, as always, I learned even more about this culture that I love. Holidays and special traditions are so much fun and most of my favorite experiences in Japan have been with this remarkable family.

Setsubun, the “bean-throwing festival,” is celebrated to symbolize the change from winter to spring. Finally! :-D It’s considered a second New Year’s Eve, in a way, because it’s celebrated to cleanse the evils from the former year and repel future evils for the coming year. To kick off the cleansing process, we faced south-southeast and ate an uncut sushi roll in silence. The long sushi roll is called eho-maki, which literally means “lucky direction roll.” Ha ha ha. I asked her what the significance was of eating in silence and why we faced that particular direction, but she wasn’t totally sure. She explained that the direction is determined by the year’s corresponding zodiac symbol and so it changes every Setsubun, but she wasn’t sure about the eating-in-silence part. As with all traditions, I’ve come to accept that some things have a distinct purpose while others are just done because, well, because that’s just they way they’ve always been done. I’m OK with that.

After we’d eaten our yummy and humongous sushi rolls, we each grabbed a bowl of peanuts and ran to every room in the house. We opened the doors and windows, shouted, “Oni wa soto!” (“Demons out!”), and then threw peanuts outside. Then we turned around, threw peanuts inside the house, and yelled, “Fuku wa uchii!” (“Luck in!”) We repeated this process in each room of the house, gathered up the peanuts that had been thrown inside, and then sat down together to crack open and eat the “good luck” peanuts.

Shoma, me, and Mei with our eho-maki!

After celebrating Setsubun, I spent the night eating a tenderly prepared meal (this was a challenge with my still-upset tummy but, again, of course I couldn’t refuse!), playing games with Kirumi, gabbing away with Tereshima san, looking though photos with Shoma, and helping Mei with her English homework. Have I mentioned yet how much I love this family? I didn’t get home until far past my intended bedtime, but it was worth every lost hour of sleep! I want to take them all home with me!

Beautiful Kirumi finishing up some chocolate cake! She's a girl after my own heart--lovin her sweets! :-)

Even though I didn’t get much sleep I felt SO much better on Friday morning! My voice was back, my cough was almost gone, and my throat felt much, much better. After school, I had a chocolate fondue party with the Language club and we talked and joked with each other until every last drop of chocolate was eaten up. I can’t get over how adorable these girls are that I get to teach and hang out with every day. Language club is fun for me, too, because I get to spend time with junior and senior girls that I otherwise wouldn't get to see very often!

During the get-together, some girls started talking excitedly about anime shows that they love and which characters they’d want to dress up as for fun. I made the hilarious mistake of asking the girls which character they thought I should be, thereby unintentionally launching the conversation of the night. They were so funny—discussing options, turning down characters for this reason or another, researching on their cell phones, and even drawing sketches of potential characters for me to “be.” They chattered incessantly for several minutes and were taking the task so seriously that I could not help but laugh and happily observe the process. After several minutes, I actually left the room, snagged my camera from my desk, and returned to find them still talking about it. I recorded a clip of the conversation and it makes me chuckle every time I see it.

In the end, they were never able to reach a final decision. Ha ha ha. They looked at me very seriously and told me not to worry, that they would have an answer for me soon. They promised me that they would find the character for me as soon as they could, but asked for “more time” to deliver their definite answer. I laughed and assured them that they didn’t need to think of character at all but they insisted so imploringly that I could only reply by telling them how honored I would be to receive their answer whenever they reached it. ha ha ha. Love them!

Making white chocolate and milk chocolate for our fondue party--mmm!

In other news, I made it back to the salon this weekend and tried for hair-experiment round #2! I couldn’t stand the awful bleach anymore and finally decided that the only way to fix all the different shades of blonde, brown, orange, and yellow in my hair would be to just darken everything. It's not quite what I was hoping for but...at least it isn’t orange! I didn’t feel like crying when I saw my reflection and although I think it has a strange greenish hue, it is not even close to being as bad as it was last time. Usually when I darken my hair, it takes a couple of weeks for the color to settle in anyway, so I’m reserving final judgment for now. ha ha. At least the bleach is GONE! I am much, much happier with round #2!

All in all, things are going as well as ever and I’m loving every single second. My health is so much better, work is fabulous, and my hair is...well, an improvement. ;-) I’m really busy right now with the end of the school year upon me, but I have some serious news to share shortly. I’m days away from my work contract being set in stone as to whether or not I stay to teach for another semester. I’ve been thinking about this for months and have, at different times, “decided” opposing options. However, I must deliver a contractually-binding answer very soon and I’d like to talk about that a bit... I haven’t written about it yet because I haven’t wanted to say anything until I knew FOR SURE what my answer would be. Well, I think I’ve reached that answer and what I have to say may surprise you... stay tuned!