December is drawing to a close and so, of course, is the year of 2010. It is around this time of year that many of us take the time to slow down a little, ponder the events of the previous year, and evaluate our lives a bit. With renewed determination, we realign our goals, dig for our work-out clothes, and determine to do a little better this time. I was hoping to take some time to reflect, gather my thoughts, and share with you some of what I have come to realize about myself during this magnificent year...but I haven’t even had time to sit long enough to pull out my journal or hop on Skype to talk with my family in weeks! I just got home from work and now I am sitting at my computer next to a zebra-print suitcase and a bus ticket for Osaka, Japan that leaves in under an hour. My heart is tender, my mind is racing, and my head aches from weeks of little sleep and over-scheduling. Still, even as I type this I cannot help but smile with contentment and gratitude for the conditions of my life exactly as they are right now...right at this very moment.
Tonight I’m taking a 12-hour bus ride to Osaka and then I’m switching to a train and heading for another 8 hours to Hiroshima, one of the sites of the Atomic bomb that destroyed the city in 1945. I’m meeting up with friends as I go and steadily working my way around Hiroshima, Miyajima, Kobe, Osaka, Kyoto, Nara, back up to Tokyo, and eventually home to Sendai! I’ll get home on the 10th of January and will then leave the next day to attend an English Camp with a group of high school students until the 15th. I teach the Gospel Doctrine lesson in church on the 16th, and then it’s back to work on the 17th—the day before my 24th birthday! I can hardly believe it! December isn’t even over yet and I already feel like it’s almost the end of January!
This trip is going to be exhausting but amazing and I can’t wait to get started on it, but that doesn’t leave me much time now to intimately discuss the thoughts and feelings deeply stirring within me. Let it suffice to say for now that 2010 has been a year of healing for me. Truthfully, I didn’t realize this would be such a year of letting go, moving forward, and fulfilling my dreams. Coming to japan has proved to be one of the single best decisions I’ve ever made in my life and I will never be the same. This land, its people, everything has completely captured my heart and healed the parts I didn’t even know were broken. I cannot recall ever feeling so much constant JOY and gratitude for my life. I’ve always tried to be a happy, optimistic person, but this is different...there is a difference between happiness and joy and what I feel consuming every corner of my being is a deep, peaceful, lasting joy.
I am richly blessed...I know that God has always been with me, but I have never felt His presence so intensely and continuously as I have since I first stepped into Tokyo NINE MONTHS ago, today. Whoa. I can hardly comprehend that it has been nine months... and now I look at my life and I am humbled to tears. If only I could begin to express the goodness of God...if only a language existed that contained words I could use to articulate the depth of my gratitude, of my faith, of my awe for my Heavenly Father and the abundant goodness He has bestowed upon me... It is remarkable...
These feelings, of course, are impossible to adequately express, but we’ve all felt love, fear, anger, passion, and faith so intensely at some point in our lives that words aren’t actually all that necessary to communicate such raw feelings, are they? As I mentioned in my last post, it seems to me that we connect to each other through our experiences more than our actual words...that we can actually feel each other’s hearts when we let ourselves. I think this is why we are able to relate so intimately with each other and why other people’s words, song lyrics, or art stir us so intensely. Sometimes the simple realization that someone else has felt what you are feeling is as intense as the feeling in and of itself, isn’t it?
I had a moment like this recently. I was listening to my iPod on shuffle recently and a song began to play that I didn’t even realize I had. It was a country song and I almost clicked passed it, but decided to let it play a bit...my heart was immediately captured by what I heard and I realized that the message of this song has definitely proved to be, as my oldest brother described it, a “theme song” of mine for 2010--one of many. I wish I had time to write more tonight, but let these words give voice to my heart for now. I will write more as soon as I can and although I already know better than to make unrealistic goals for 2011 like giving up chocolate or determining to write a blog post every day, I can say that I know 2011 is going to be even more incredible than 2010.
“There comes a time in everyone’s life when all you can see are the years passing by and I’ve made up my mind that those days are gone.” I’m moving on, moving forward, and moving up in 2011. There is no time to let up, give up, or back down; my goals are too high and my passion is too deep for mediocrity. Ready or not, World: here I come!
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
Thank you all for your love, your support, and your faith. I am grateful for your willingness to share in this journey with me. Now, I better hurry and catch my bus!!
xxx
P.S. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
some thoughts on language
Japanese is a fun language. I probably could have studied it before moving here, but I was told that I would only be allowed to speak English at my job anyway and that learning the language would be unnecessary (not to mention, virtually impossible). Surprisingly, this has turned out to be mostly true. I sort of live in an English bubble and while this is convenient, it’s also a bit unfortunate, isn’t it? I’ve picked up a bit here and there because of my own curiousness, but my knowledge is limited...very, VERY limited.
Anyway, when I first arrived here, everything just sounded so...well, Japanese! I couldn’t believe that the sounds around me created a real language—something coherent and comprehensible to millions of people. Whenever I tried mimicking the most basic daily expressions, I felt like my tongue was genetically formed to inhibit me from speaking Japanese. I decided to start with the basics and learn the alphabet! That’s when things got messy... I discovered that there were four different forms of Japanese “alphabets”—hiragana, katakana, kanji, and romaji.
The Japanese alphabet is actually a set of phonetic sounds, each represented by a written character. There are 46 characters representing basic sounds and 58 “extra” or “combination” sounds, each having another character to represent it. These 104 sounds and their 208 respective characters make up the hiragana and katakana alphabets. Hiragana characters are used to form words native to the Japanese language/culture and katakana characters are used to represent words and sounds that were introduced to Japanese after it was initially formed (simply deemed “foreign” words).
Kanji is what most people think of when they imagine Japanese. Kanji is the complicated, picture-like stuff and there are—get this—well over 3,000 kanji characters, many with over 20 strokes. Kanji was derived from Chinese and was then “simplified” to create hiragana and again for katakana. However, these three alphabets are used together in written Japanese—a single sentence can (and often does) use all three character sets. Each kanji symbol represents a sound, like hiragana and katakana, but can also represent a combination of sounds. However, depending on the content, placement, and surrounding kanji or hiragana, many kanji characters have five or more different sounds...so even if you learn one kanji sound, the same symbol in another sentence could represent a completely different sound or word... Feeling overwhelmed? I’m honestly trying to explain this as directly and simply as I can, but it’s a bit complicated and it’s difficult to understand until you at least learn hiragana and katakana. Since there are only 208 of these characters to memorize, doing so is realistic; really it is. Plus, while the characters are more complex than Roman letters, they seem incredibly basic when compared to most kanji.
That reminds me! we musn’t forget romaji! Romaji isn’t so much of an actual alphabet as it is a courtesy to foreigners. As the name suggests, romaji is simply the Japanese sound written using Roman letters, so while it is not technically Japanese, the sounds are the same and it is used widely throughout the country. It is thanks to romaji that I have am able to explain these alphabets because I doubt it would have been as clear if I had said that the four alphabets are
ひらがな, カタカナ, 漢字, and romaji!
Phew! Enough of that! Anyway, the point of all this is to explain that Japanese is actually a surprisingly simple language. No, you didn't read that wrong. I meant what it says. Not to destroy the daunting image that has been maintained forever or anything, but Japanese is only impossible on the surface. It’s hard to speak and it takes years to read/write kanji, but the actual language itself is, from what I have seen so far, pretty uncomplicated. Beneath the intricate brush strokes and obscure sounds lies a language without capitalization, pluralization, or intricate sentence constructions. Pronouns (he, she, we, they) and sentence subjects are often optional and articles (a, the, some, any) are nonexistent. Oh, and the same verb form is used for both present and future tenses...! I remember my first daunting days in Spanish class when I learned that not only do articles change for singular and plural words in Español, but that there are masculine and feminine forms for everything; not to mention more verb changes than there are mood swings among adolescent females... There aren’t even spaces in Japanese for crying out loud—well, that one can actually be more confusing than helpful, but still... There are only a few punctuation marks and unlike English, most grammar and pronunciation rules are actually consistent. Ha!
For example, a very common phrase (using romaji to illustrate) is, “daijyoubudesu.” This literally means, “It is all right,” but can be used in many situations. If I want to make this a question, I just add “ka” to the end, but informally, I can ask and answer the same question by dropping “desu” and “ka” and just saying “daijyoubu.” If I want to ask you if you are all right, if something I'm doing/offering is acceptable, or if I'm wondering whether a boy, girl, or group of people is/are okay, all I have to say is, “daijyoubu?” If a boy, a girl, a group of people, or a monkey want to answer affirmatively, the response would be the same as the question, “daijyoubu.” It isn’t necessary to add pronouns or even subjects to the phrase for it to make sense to a Japanese person. See what I mean? It’s a language, and a culture, which prides itself in ambiguity, but even though it’s confusing, it’s simple...or at the very least it’s simply confusing...right?
My favorite Japanese word to say, by the way, happens to be "otokonoko," which (coincidentally) means “boy.” Again, there is no plural form in Japanese, so I can say "otokonoko" for one boy or fifty boys—it’s all the same. Just say it, oh-toe-koh-noh-koh, otokonoko! Ha ha. Otokonoko is my favorite word to say, but my real favorite word is “ne” (pronounced neh). "Ne" doesn’t technically mean anything...but it is used all the time to indicate a shared emotion.
Harmony, called “wa,” is central to Japanese culture and it is very important for a person to feel emotionally and spiritually connected to the people and places around him or her. While there is no direct translation for "ne" into English, it is basically used to express the hope that whoever you are speaking with might share the sentiment you are experiencing/attempting to convey. By adding “ne” to the end of a question, it is like saying, “I want you to share this with me; can you feel what I’m feeling?” Of course, the proper response is to add “ne” to whatever response you give. In fact, “ne” is often the only word necessary to confirm the shared emotion. I love this. Love this.
A couple weeks ago, I visited Yamagata, which is the prefecture (or “state”) next to Miyagi (where I live) and had a “ne” moment. I hiked up a mountain to visit a temple called Yamadera (山寺), which appropriately means, “mountain temple” and was amazed by the beautiful fall colors and nature that surrounded me. Upon reaching the temple grounds, I saw a patch of moss and leaves along the path and next to a young tree. The entire patch was covered in greenery—except for a single tiny, yellow flower near the base of the sapling. There was something delicate and poignant in seeing this solitary blossom standing along the sacred grounds and it struck me profoundly. At this moment, a sweet old woman stopped mid-stride upon seeing the flower. I glanced at her and recognized in her face that she was experiencing what I did when I noticed it. Our eyes met and we smiled; I looked at her and almost whispered, “Ne?” She smiled and nodded slowly. “Ne...” she said softly, looking at me and back at the flower. She repeated it twice more, and then quietly continued along the path.
Language is beautiful, isn’t it? Even so, it’s amazing to me that the most significant connections we feel with others are not really brought about by language at all—they develop from the bonds of humanity. Even if shared by the bridges of language, these incredible moments actually occur when we see the heart of another person and stop to express, “I want you to share this with me; can you feel what I’m feeling?”
...Ne?
Anyway, when I first arrived here, everything just sounded so...well, Japanese! I couldn’t believe that the sounds around me created a real language—something coherent and comprehensible to millions of people. Whenever I tried mimicking the most basic daily expressions, I felt like my tongue was genetically formed to inhibit me from speaking Japanese. I decided to start with the basics and learn the alphabet! That’s when things got messy... I discovered that there were four different forms of Japanese “alphabets”—hiragana, katakana, kanji, and romaji.
The Japanese alphabet is actually a set of phonetic sounds, each represented by a written character. There are 46 characters representing basic sounds and 58 “extra” or “combination” sounds, each having another character to represent it. These 104 sounds and their 208 respective characters make up the hiragana and katakana alphabets. Hiragana characters are used to form words native to the Japanese language/culture and katakana characters are used to represent words and sounds that were introduced to Japanese after it was initially formed (simply deemed “foreign” words).
Kanji is what most people think of when they imagine Japanese. Kanji is the complicated, picture-like stuff and there are—get this—well over 3,000 kanji characters, many with over 20 strokes. Kanji was derived from Chinese and was then “simplified” to create hiragana and again for katakana. However, these three alphabets are used together in written Japanese—a single sentence can (and often does) use all three character sets. Each kanji symbol represents a sound, like hiragana and katakana, but can also represent a combination of sounds. However, depending on the content, placement, and surrounding kanji or hiragana, many kanji characters have five or more different sounds...so even if you learn one kanji sound, the same symbol in another sentence could represent a completely different sound or word... Feeling overwhelmed? I’m honestly trying to explain this as directly and simply as I can, but it’s a bit complicated and it’s difficult to understand until you at least learn hiragana and katakana. Since there are only 208 of these characters to memorize, doing so is realistic; really it is. Plus, while the characters are more complex than Roman letters, they seem incredibly basic when compared to most kanji.
That reminds me! we musn’t forget romaji! Romaji isn’t so much of an actual alphabet as it is a courtesy to foreigners. As the name suggests, romaji is simply the Japanese sound written using Roman letters, so while it is not technically Japanese, the sounds are the same and it is used widely throughout the country. It is thanks to romaji that I have am able to explain these alphabets because I doubt it would have been as clear if I had said that the four alphabets are
ひらがな, カタカナ, 漢字, and romaji!
Phew! Enough of that! Anyway, the point of all this is to explain that Japanese is actually a surprisingly simple language. No, you didn't read that wrong. I meant what it says. Not to destroy the daunting image that has been maintained forever or anything, but Japanese is only impossible on the surface. It’s hard to speak and it takes years to read/write kanji, but the actual language itself is, from what I have seen so far, pretty uncomplicated. Beneath the intricate brush strokes and obscure sounds lies a language without capitalization, pluralization, or intricate sentence constructions. Pronouns (he, she, we, they) and sentence subjects are often optional and articles (a, the, some, any) are nonexistent. Oh, and the same verb form is used for both present and future tenses...! I remember my first daunting days in Spanish class when I learned that not only do articles change for singular and plural words in Español, but that there are masculine and feminine forms for everything; not to mention more verb changes than there are mood swings among adolescent females... There aren’t even spaces in Japanese for crying out loud—well, that one can actually be more confusing than helpful, but still... There are only a few punctuation marks and unlike English, most grammar and pronunciation rules are actually consistent. Ha!
For example, a very common phrase (using romaji to illustrate) is, “daijyoubudesu.” This literally means, “It is all right,” but can be used in many situations. If I want to make this a question, I just add “ka” to the end, but informally, I can ask and answer the same question by dropping “desu” and “ka” and just saying “daijyoubu.” If I want to ask you if you are all right, if something I'm doing/offering is acceptable, or if I'm wondering whether a boy, girl, or group of people is/are okay, all I have to say is, “daijyoubu?” If a boy, a girl, a group of people, or a monkey want to answer affirmatively, the response would be the same as the question, “daijyoubu.” It isn’t necessary to add pronouns or even subjects to the phrase for it to make sense to a Japanese person. See what I mean? It’s a language, and a culture, which prides itself in ambiguity, but even though it’s confusing, it’s simple...or at the very least it’s simply confusing...right?
My favorite Japanese word to say, by the way, happens to be "otokonoko," which (coincidentally) means “boy.” Again, there is no plural form in Japanese, so I can say "otokonoko" for one boy or fifty boys—it’s all the same. Just say it, oh-toe-koh-noh-koh, otokonoko! Ha ha. Otokonoko is my favorite word to say, but my real favorite word is “ne” (pronounced neh). "Ne" doesn’t technically mean anything...but it is used all the time to indicate a shared emotion.
Harmony, called “wa,” is central to Japanese culture and it is very important for a person to feel emotionally and spiritually connected to the people and places around him or her. While there is no direct translation for "ne" into English, it is basically used to express the hope that whoever you are speaking with might share the sentiment you are experiencing/attempting to convey. By adding “ne” to the end of a question, it is like saying, “I want you to share this with me; can you feel what I’m feeling?” Of course, the proper response is to add “ne” to whatever response you give. In fact, “ne” is often the only word necessary to confirm the shared emotion. I love this. Love this.
A couple weeks ago, I visited Yamagata, which is the prefecture (or “state”) next to Miyagi (where I live) and had a “ne” moment. I hiked up a mountain to visit a temple called Yamadera (山寺), which appropriately means, “mountain temple” and was amazed by the beautiful fall colors and nature that surrounded me. Upon reaching the temple grounds, I saw a patch of moss and leaves along the path and next to a young tree. The entire patch was covered in greenery—except for a single tiny, yellow flower near the base of the sapling. There was something delicate and poignant in seeing this solitary blossom standing along the sacred grounds and it struck me profoundly. At this moment, a sweet old woman stopped mid-stride upon seeing the flower. I glanced at her and recognized in her face that she was experiencing what I did when I noticed it. Our eyes met and we smiled; I looked at her and almost whispered, “Ne?” She smiled and nodded slowly. “Ne...” she said softly, looking at me and back at the flower. She repeated it twice more, and then quietly continued along the path.
Language is beautiful, isn’t it? Even so, it’s amazing to me that the most significant connections we feel with others are not really brought about by language at all—they develop from the bonds of humanity. Even if shared by the bridges of language, these incredible moments actually occur when we see the heart of another person and stop to express, “I want you to share this with me; can you feel what I’m feeling?”
...Ne?
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
the clash!
It's December! What?! My life’s pace has steadily picked up since I first arrived last spring and even though winter usually seems to slow things down a bit, I can’t help but feel like this year is going to be an exception. I have so many plans set for December and January that I’m already booked every weekend until February! And then my contract is up the very next month? Ack! I’m not ready for this.
When I left the States to pursue this crazy little dream of mine, I was a bit scared by the length of a one-year commitment to life abroad; somehow, it sounded like a really long time. Even so, I knew didn’t want to be a “tourist.” I wanted to immerse myself in a land, culture, and world totally different from anything else I had ever known. I wanted to step completely outside my comfort zone and just jump. I knew that I was risking a lot to come here, and I knew that I could fall flat on my face by doing so, but I also knew that it could be one of the greatest experiences of my life...and that if I didn’t do it, I would always wonder what it would have been like if I did.
Now, here I am. I’ve been in Japan for over eight months and it really feels like home. I arrived in Tokyo thinking that I would be teaching young children in Niigata and now I’m living on the other side of the country, primarily teaching high school students. Nothing about this experience has turned out the way I planned on it turning out...thank goodness I’m not the one in charge! Every twist, every trial, every single “coincidence” since I got here has proved to be an incredible manifestation of the omniscience and omnipresence of God. Every detail has been a continuous confirmation to me of His power, His grace, and His love. I realize that I haven’t articulated a fraction of a percent of my life in this blog the way I thought I would, but I hope to be better about it in the future because my existence is truly a miracle and I do want to record my experiences.
I feel like a cheesy optimist but I. Am. So. Happy...! I am so blessed and so amazed by the tender mercies of my Heavenly Father that I can barely contain myself. Sometimes I cannot help but laugh out loud with joy. Other times I feel tears swelling behind my eyes for no reason other than having the realization all over again that I am alive. I think the best times are when I blast my music and burst into outrageous dance in my bedroom though ha ha ha. It’s silly. But it’s true. Leaving my world behind and discovering a new one on my own has proved to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. It was exactly what I needed in my life at the time I left the States and I will always treasure my time here.
I sometimes hear people living abroad talk about “home” in a sad way, as though they wish they were back where they came from. Others seem to be just passing the time, waiting for life to happen to them instead of creating it to be exactly what they want it to be. I don’t understand this way of thinking. Of course I miss home. Of course I miss my family, my friends, and a ridiculous list of Western food/conveniences. Still, could I wish to be anywhere other than exactly where I am? No way. NO way. I want to savor every minute of my life—and I’m not just talking about in Japan. I am here now and I am trying to make the most of my chance to be here, but I hope I never catch myself wishing to be anywhere other than where I am because every moment, every breath—it’s all miraculous. It’s all a precious gift from God.
All of this has really gotten me thinking lately about my contract. The truth is that as much as I miss my loved ones, I don’t feel ready to come home. I don’t know if it’s because I’m secretly scared of resuming “normal” life, because I’ve grown comfortable where I am, or if it’s because of something deeper, but it makes me genuinely sad to think of leaving Japan. I am hesitant to remain in any legally binding agreement with my company one second longer than absolutely necessary, but that’s another story entirely. While I am not eager to sell my soul to my employer by resigning anything, I cannot deny the fact that I have fallen in love with this place.
Sendai has wrapped its way around my heartstrings. Every time I return from a trip, I smile and feel that peace of coming home when I see this city. Also, of course I love my students! I’m sure all teachers get attached to their students, but these kids will never know how much I wish I could get to know every single one of them and help them all reach their dreams. Watching them learn and grow is a more incredible feeling than I thought one could feel in a professional realm… it feels like a taste of motherhood to me, I suppose.
Still, the truth is that I happen to be a hopeless romantic and I have a tendency to fall in love easily—with people, places, and life. I know I would be happy if I extended my contract another year. I love Sendai and I love my students, but I don’t believe that I would have had a less incredible experience in a different city or different school. I know that I would be happy if I decided to continue this dream, but I know I would find joy and fulfillment and purpose in my life by pursuing any other ambition as well. Of course I could come home, pick up where I left off professionally, and get back to career paths, 401(k)s, insurance policies, and "real life." Sometimes though, I still want to move to South America and become enveloped by the sensuousness of the Spanish language and Latin-American culture that’s always stirred me. Other days I feel like I should utilize my love of learning by diving into a Master’s degree like I’ve longed to do for so many years. Yet, there are times that I feel like letting myself settle down a bit to fulfill those sacred roles of wife and mother that have always felt central to my core as well.
I have so many passions, so many dreams, and while it’s easy for people to tell me to just seek them all, it would really help if I could press pause and enjoy my 20s for another 20 years. A wise friend once told me that our opportunities will define us, even the ones we miss. I believe there is truth in such counsel and know that by realizing some of the dreams of my heart, others may become impossible, but I am trying every day to allow these opportunities to help me become all I am capable of becoming. Despite my personal deficiencies, I am still overcome with excitement for all the beauty I know the future is going to hold. My life is going to be incredible because it already is and I feel so blessed to realize that. I have learned that I hold the power to decide whether or not I am happy and whether or not I see the blessings around me; the result has been that I am happier now than I have ever been in my life and although there are trials and challenges every day, I am humbled to tears when I consider how much more the Lord has blessed me than I deserve. His charity toward me is remarkable.
Because I haven’t figured out how to pause time and life is going to move forward whether or not I’m ready for it to, I know that I have to make some big decisions...soon. My two choices regarding Japan are pretty evident. Option #1: Extend my contract. Option #2: Don’t.
Sounds pretty simple, right? Well, of course, it seems more difficult to me. I’m not trying to overcomplicate what is really rather easy, but I am trying to be realistic about the consequences of either decision. The benefits of staying are obvious, so let’s consider why I wouldn’t stay. Unfortunately, finances are the biggest factor. Wait...I am here to work, right? You’d think that finances be a motivation to stay even longer. Not so. The details are confusing but it boils down to a huge tax I would have to pay in the spring if I stayed here any longer than my twelve-month contact. It seems to be a message to foreigners that they can stay in Japan but that they’ve worn out their welcomes. The tax varies, depending upon location, income, and a list of other factors that not even I fully understand. In fact, there isn’t really a way for me to find out how much I’ll have to pay until I receive the bill. I’ve been asking around though and I’ve gotten a lot of estimates that put the figure somewhere between $2,000 and $3,000...
I want to extend...but I also do want to begin pursuing other dreams, too, so I decided that if I can extend, I would only extend for another semester...then move forward from there. Unfortunately, I must pay the full tax whether I stay in Japan four days, five months, or eleven months and three weeks passed my one-year mark. After factoring in rent, food, and other living expenses, I might not be able to afford to stay here to work because the money would be paid in monthly installments of about $750 each time. Of course this experience is not about the money (I’ve already taken a significant cut in my income to come here in the first place), but it seems counterintuitive to lose money in order to work, doesn’t it? In all fairness, I love my job; I really do. Still, if I really wanted to throw away $2,000-$3,000 to stay in Japan, it would make more sense to stay here and not work (thereby not paying the tax), and just travel/live until I ran out of money. This might not even be legal though, as I have a work visa and would be living without health insurance or anything else...hmm...see how this gets so complicated?
Of course, that same amount of money could be put toward my education or any of my other goals if I decided not to stay in Japan...
I was hoping to make my decision within the next month or two, but my company asked for my preliminary decision a couple weeks ago and I had little time to respond. I know I would love to stay but haven’t done the necessary amount of prayer, research, evaluation, and more prayer to know whether or not it is the best option for me. Still, I decided to submit my letter of intent declaring that I wished to stay in order to secure the option in case I find a way to make it feasible. I am not contractually bound to a decision for another month or two...
I really need to figure this out. Oh, here we go—back to that age-old question: should I stay or should I go??
When I left the States to pursue this crazy little dream of mine, I was a bit scared by the length of a one-year commitment to life abroad; somehow, it sounded like a really long time. Even so, I knew didn’t want to be a “tourist.” I wanted to immerse myself in a land, culture, and world totally different from anything else I had ever known. I wanted to step completely outside my comfort zone and just jump. I knew that I was risking a lot to come here, and I knew that I could fall flat on my face by doing so, but I also knew that it could be one of the greatest experiences of my life...and that if I didn’t do it, I would always wonder what it would have been like if I did.
Now, here I am. I’ve been in Japan for over eight months and it really feels like home. I arrived in Tokyo thinking that I would be teaching young children in Niigata and now I’m living on the other side of the country, primarily teaching high school students. Nothing about this experience has turned out the way I planned on it turning out...thank goodness I’m not the one in charge! Every twist, every trial, every single “coincidence” since I got here has proved to be an incredible manifestation of the omniscience and omnipresence of God. Every detail has been a continuous confirmation to me of His power, His grace, and His love. I realize that I haven’t articulated a fraction of a percent of my life in this blog the way I thought I would, but I hope to be better about it in the future because my existence is truly a miracle and I do want to record my experiences.
I feel like a cheesy optimist but I. Am. So. Happy...! I am so blessed and so amazed by the tender mercies of my Heavenly Father that I can barely contain myself. Sometimes I cannot help but laugh out loud with joy. Other times I feel tears swelling behind my eyes for no reason other than having the realization all over again that I am alive. I think the best times are when I blast my music and burst into outrageous dance in my bedroom though ha ha ha. It’s silly. But it’s true. Leaving my world behind and discovering a new one on my own has proved to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. It was exactly what I needed in my life at the time I left the States and I will always treasure my time here.
I sometimes hear people living abroad talk about “home” in a sad way, as though they wish they were back where they came from. Others seem to be just passing the time, waiting for life to happen to them instead of creating it to be exactly what they want it to be. I don’t understand this way of thinking. Of course I miss home. Of course I miss my family, my friends, and a ridiculous list of Western food/conveniences. Still, could I wish to be anywhere other than exactly where I am? No way. NO way. I want to savor every minute of my life—and I’m not just talking about in Japan. I am here now and I am trying to make the most of my chance to be here, but I hope I never catch myself wishing to be anywhere other than where I am because every moment, every breath—it’s all miraculous. It’s all a precious gift from God.
All of this has really gotten me thinking lately about my contract. The truth is that as much as I miss my loved ones, I don’t feel ready to come home. I don’t know if it’s because I’m secretly scared of resuming “normal” life, because I’ve grown comfortable where I am, or if it’s because of something deeper, but it makes me genuinely sad to think of leaving Japan. I am hesitant to remain in any legally binding agreement with my company one second longer than absolutely necessary, but that’s another story entirely. While I am not eager to sell my soul to my employer by resigning anything, I cannot deny the fact that I have fallen in love with this place.
Sendai has wrapped its way around my heartstrings. Every time I return from a trip, I smile and feel that peace of coming home when I see this city. Also, of course I love my students! I’m sure all teachers get attached to their students, but these kids will never know how much I wish I could get to know every single one of them and help them all reach their dreams. Watching them learn and grow is a more incredible feeling than I thought one could feel in a professional realm… it feels like a taste of motherhood to me, I suppose.
Still, the truth is that I happen to be a hopeless romantic and I have a tendency to fall in love easily—with people, places, and life. I know I would be happy if I extended my contract another year. I love Sendai and I love my students, but I don’t believe that I would have had a less incredible experience in a different city or different school. I know that I would be happy if I decided to continue this dream, but I know I would find joy and fulfillment and purpose in my life by pursuing any other ambition as well. Of course I could come home, pick up where I left off professionally, and get back to career paths, 401(k)s, insurance policies, and "real life." Sometimes though, I still want to move to South America and become enveloped by the sensuousness of the Spanish language and Latin-American culture that’s always stirred me. Other days I feel like I should utilize my love of learning by diving into a Master’s degree like I’ve longed to do for so many years. Yet, there are times that I feel like letting myself settle down a bit to fulfill those sacred roles of wife and mother that have always felt central to my core as well.
I have so many passions, so many dreams, and while it’s easy for people to tell me to just seek them all, it would really help if I could press pause and enjoy my 20s for another 20 years. A wise friend once told me that our opportunities will define us, even the ones we miss. I believe there is truth in such counsel and know that by realizing some of the dreams of my heart, others may become impossible, but I am trying every day to allow these opportunities to help me become all I am capable of becoming. Despite my personal deficiencies, I am still overcome with excitement for all the beauty I know the future is going to hold. My life is going to be incredible because it already is and I feel so blessed to realize that. I have learned that I hold the power to decide whether or not I am happy and whether or not I see the blessings around me; the result has been that I am happier now than I have ever been in my life and although there are trials and challenges every day, I am humbled to tears when I consider how much more the Lord has blessed me than I deserve. His charity toward me is remarkable.
Because I haven’t figured out how to pause time and life is going to move forward whether or not I’m ready for it to, I know that I have to make some big decisions...soon. My two choices regarding Japan are pretty evident. Option #1: Extend my contract. Option #2: Don’t.
Sounds pretty simple, right? Well, of course, it seems more difficult to me. I’m not trying to overcomplicate what is really rather easy, but I am trying to be realistic about the consequences of either decision. The benefits of staying are obvious, so let’s consider why I wouldn’t stay. Unfortunately, finances are the biggest factor. Wait...I am here to work, right? You’d think that finances be a motivation to stay even longer. Not so. The details are confusing but it boils down to a huge tax I would have to pay in the spring if I stayed here any longer than my twelve-month contact. It seems to be a message to foreigners that they can stay in Japan but that they’ve worn out their welcomes. The tax varies, depending upon location, income, and a list of other factors that not even I fully understand. In fact, there isn’t really a way for me to find out how much I’ll have to pay until I receive the bill. I’ve been asking around though and I’ve gotten a lot of estimates that put the figure somewhere between $2,000 and $3,000...
I want to extend...but I also do want to begin pursuing other dreams, too, so I decided that if I can extend, I would only extend for another semester...then move forward from there. Unfortunately, I must pay the full tax whether I stay in Japan four days, five months, or eleven months and three weeks passed my one-year mark. After factoring in rent, food, and other living expenses, I might not be able to afford to stay here to work because the money would be paid in monthly installments of about $750 each time. Of course this experience is not about the money (I’ve already taken a significant cut in my income to come here in the first place), but it seems counterintuitive to lose money in order to work, doesn’t it? In all fairness, I love my job; I really do. Still, if I really wanted to throw away $2,000-$3,000 to stay in Japan, it would make more sense to stay here and not work (thereby not paying the tax), and just travel/live until I ran out of money. This might not even be legal though, as I have a work visa and would be living without health insurance or anything else...hmm...see how this gets so complicated?
Of course, that same amount of money could be put toward my education or any of my other goals if I decided not to stay in Japan...
I was hoping to make my decision within the next month or two, but my company asked for my preliminary decision a couple weeks ago and I had little time to respond. I know I would love to stay but haven’t done the necessary amount of prayer, research, evaluation, and more prayer to know whether or not it is the best option for me. Still, I decided to submit my letter of intent declaring that I wished to stay in order to secure the option in case I find a way to make it feasible. I am not contractually bound to a decision for another month or two...
I really need to figure this out. Oh, here we go—back to that age-old question: should I stay or should I go??
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