the clash!

It's December! What?! My life’s pace has steadily picked up since I first arrived last spring and even though winter usually seems to slow things down a bit, I can’t help but feel like this year is going to be an exception. I have so many plans set for December and January that I’m already booked every weekend until February! And then my contract is up the very next month? Ack! I’m not ready for this.

When I left the States to pursue this crazy little dream of mine, I was a bit scared by the length of a one-year commitment to life abroad; somehow, it sounded like a really long time. Even so, I knew didn’t want to be a “tourist.” I wanted to immerse myself in a land, culture, and world totally different from anything else I had ever known. I wanted to step completely outside my comfort zone and just jump. I knew that I was risking a lot to come here, and I knew that I could fall flat on my face by doing so, but I also knew that it could be one of the greatest experiences of my life...and that if I didn’t do it, I would always wonder what it would have been like if I did.

Now, here I am. I’ve been in Japan for over eight months and it really feels like home. I arrived in Tokyo thinking that I would be teaching young children in Niigata and now I’m living on the other side of the country, primarily teaching high school students. Nothing about this experience has turned out the way I planned on it turning out...thank goodness I’m not the one in charge! Every twist, every trial, every single “coincidence” since I got here has proved to be an incredible manifestation of the omniscience and omnipresence of God. Every detail has been a continuous confirmation to me of His power, His grace, and His love. I realize that I haven’t articulated a fraction of a percent of my life in this blog the way I thought I would, but I hope to be better about it in the future because my existence is truly a miracle and I do want to record my experiences.

I feel like a cheesy optimist but I. Am. So. Happy...! I am so blessed and so amazed by the tender mercies of my Heavenly Father that I can barely contain myself. Sometimes I cannot help but laugh out loud with joy. Other times I feel tears swelling behind my eyes for no reason other than having the realization all over again that I am alive. I think the best times are when I blast my music and burst into outrageous dance in my bedroom though ha ha ha. It’s silly. But it’s true. Leaving my world behind and discovering a new one on my own has proved to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. It was exactly what I needed in my life at the time I left the States and I will always treasure my time here.

I sometimes hear people living abroad talk about “home” in a sad way, as though they wish they were back where they came from. Others seem to be just passing the time, waiting for life to happen to them instead of creating it to be exactly what they want it to be. I don’t understand this way of thinking. Of course I miss home. Of course I miss my family, my friends, and a ridiculous list of Western food/conveniences. Still, could I wish to be anywhere other than exactly where I am? No way. NO way. I want to savor every minute of my life—and I’m not just talking about in Japan. I am here now and I am trying to make the most of my chance to be here, but I hope I never catch myself wishing to be anywhere other than where I am because every moment, every breath—it’s all miraculous. It’s all a precious gift from God.

All of this has really gotten me thinking lately about my contract. The truth is that as much as I miss my loved ones, I don’t feel ready to come home. I don’t know if it’s because I’m secretly scared of resuming “normal” life, because I’ve grown comfortable where I am, or if it’s because of something deeper, but it makes me genuinely sad to think of leaving Japan. I am hesitant to remain in any legally binding agreement with my company one second longer than absolutely necessary, but that’s another story entirely. While I am not eager to sell my soul to my employer by resigning anything, I cannot deny the fact that I have fallen in love with this place.

Sendai has wrapped its way around my heartstrings. Every time I return from a trip, I smile and feel that peace of coming home when I see this city. Also, of course I love my students! I’m sure all teachers get attached to their students, but these kids will never know how much I wish I could get to know every single one of them and help them all reach their dreams. Watching them learn and grow is a more incredible feeling than I thought one could feel in a professional realm… it feels like a taste of motherhood to me, I suppose.

Still, the truth is that I happen to be a hopeless romantic and I have a tendency to fall in love easily—with people, places, and life. I know I would be happy if I extended my contract another year. I love Sendai and I love my students, but I don’t believe that I would have had a less incredible experience in a different city or different school. I know that I would be happy if I decided to continue this dream, but I know I would find joy and fulfillment and purpose in my life by pursuing any other ambition as well. Of course I could come home, pick up where I left off professionally, and get back to career paths, 401(k)s, insurance policies, and "real life." Sometimes though, I still want to move to South America and become enveloped by the sensuousness of the Spanish language and Latin-American culture that’s always stirred me. Other days I feel like I should utilize my love of learning by diving into a Master’s degree like I’ve longed to do for so many years. Yet, there are times that I feel like letting myself settle down a bit to fulfill those sacred roles of wife and mother that have always felt central to my core as well.

I have so many passions, so many dreams, and while it’s easy for people to tell me to just seek them all, it would really help if I could press pause and enjoy my 20s for another 20 years. A wise friend once told me that our opportunities will define us, even the ones we miss. I believe there is truth in such counsel and know that by realizing some of the dreams of my heart, others may become impossible, but I am trying every day to allow these opportunities to help me become all I am capable of becoming. Despite my personal deficiencies, I am still overcome with excitement for all the beauty I know the future is going to hold. My life is going to be incredible because it already is and I feel so blessed to realize that. I have learned that I hold the power to decide whether or not I am happy and whether or not I see the blessings around me; the result has been that I am happier now than I have ever been in my life and although there are trials and challenges every day, I am humbled to tears when I consider how much more the Lord has blessed me than I deserve. His charity toward me is remarkable.

Because I haven’t figured out how to pause time and life is going to move forward whether or not I’m ready for it to, I know that I have to make some big decisions...soon. My two choices regarding Japan are pretty evident. Option #1: Extend my contract. Option #2: Don’t.

Sounds pretty simple, right? Well, of course, it seems more difficult to me. I’m not trying to overcomplicate what is really rather easy, but I am trying to be realistic about the consequences of either decision. The benefits of staying are obvious, so let’s consider why I wouldn’t stay. Unfortunately, finances are the biggest factor. Wait...I am here to work, right? You’d think that finances be a motivation to stay even longer. Not so. The details are confusing but it boils down to a huge tax I would have to pay in the spring if I stayed here any longer than my twelve-month contact. It seems to be a message to foreigners that they can stay in Japan but that they’ve worn out their welcomes. The tax varies, depending upon location, income, and a list of other factors that not even I fully understand. In fact, there isn’t really a way for me to find out how much I’ll have to pay until I receive the bill. I’ve been asking around though and I’ve gotten a lot of estimates that put the figure somewhere between $2,000 and $3,000...

I want to extend...but I also do want to begin pursuing other dreams, too, so I decided that if I can extend, I would only extend for another semester...then move forward from there. Unfortunately, I must pay the full tax whether I stay in Japan four days, five months, or eleven months and three weeks passed my one-year mark. After factoring in rent, food, and other living expenses, I might not be able to afford to stay here to work because the money would be paid in monthly installments of about $750 each time. Of course this experience is not about the money (I’ve already taken a significant cut in my income to come here in the first place), but it seems counterintuitive to lose money in order to work, doesn’t it? In all fairness, I love my job; I really do. Still, if I really wanted to throw away $2,000-$3,000 to stay in Japan, it would make more sense to stay here and not work (thereby not paying the tax), and just travel/live until I ran out of money. This might not even be legal though, as I have a work visa and would be living without health insurance or anything else...hmm...see how this gets so complicated?

Of course, that same amount of money could be put toward my education or any of my other goals if I decided not to stay in Japan...

I was hoping to make my decision within the next month or two, but my company asked for my preliminary decision a couple weeks ago and I had little time to respond. I know I would love to stay but haven’t done the necessary amount of prayer, research, evaluation, and more prayer to know whether or not it is the best option for me. Still, I decided to submit my letter of intent declaring that I wished to stay in order to secure the option in case I find a way to make it feasible. I am not contractually bound to a decision for another month or two...

I really need to figure this out. Oh, here we go—back to that age-old question: should I stay or should I go??